Healing Heartbeats: Part 10, What is Love?

Today, I saw “Dear John” at the theatre.  I’m a romantic at heart loving these types of movies.  Of course, many years are covered within a span of less then 2 hours where all things are perfected to hopefully conclude happily ever after.  I prefer the movies that are less realistic, and more fairytale.  There is something about a movie depicting two people in love that creates a desire within one’s heart for this reality.  Is it a healthy desire?  Most movies will take you through more of the good times in the relationship visually stimulating one’s senses and creating a picture of love for the mind to grasp.  But, is this love?

I tend to believe that love is much more then can be portrayed in any movie, and certainly it does not resolve in less then 2 hours.  Attraction can be deceptive.  Commitment can be promised yet not withstand the test of time.  Trust can be extended, yet be destroyed by unfaithfulness.  Some relationships require ending due to their abusive nature.  Where is love in these instances?  Does love always equate to a happily ever after?  Is unconditional love even healthy?  Here remains my stumbling block.  What is healthy love?  Behind closed doors, what doe this really look like?  Does healthy love even exist?

In reflecting over past relationships, I can’t see that I have experienced healthy love.  In a greater sense, I ran from the men that could possibly extend any resemblance of this type of love.  I recall back in high school, I met this boy who coincidentally was named John.  I don’t recall his last name.  I dated him for several months.  I attended several dances with him, as well as my senior prom in high school.  He was the most kind, polite, nice, and very smart with plans to join the Airforce after high school.  My response to him is I called him one day and told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore.  He was too nice.  He treated me too good.  As nice as his actions and his person was I didn’t know how to respond to him.  Sometimes, I wonder today what became of him. 

Years ago, my heart desired this kindness and love but didn’t know how to respond and was not receptive.  Sitting here typing twenty years later, I know when my heart was unhealthy in the past leading me to wrong choices.  An unhealthy heart can not receive healthy love, and often pushes the mere sight of it far from reach.  An unhealthy heart seeks the things and people that will confirm unhealthiness and not a route to love or to God.  Sadly is the realization that an unhealthy heart will desire healthiness but often doesn’t even realize the state of their condition, what healthiness is, or how to take that route.

God is good.  He knows the condition of each of our hearts and will lead each of us to those people and places that can transform us into His image.  His image is one of love.

“Even now,” declares the LORD, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.” Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.”  (Joel 2:12-13 NIV)

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure.”  (1John 3:1-3 NIV)

^“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.”  (1John 4:16 NIV)

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.”  (1John 4:7-9 NIV)

What does love look like?  How is it experienced?  How do we know when it is healthy?

Healing Heartbeats: Part 9, Lust or Love?

Just recently, my 11 year old son and I were watching a cartoon together rated for general audiences by the world standards.  My son asks, “Does everyone do that in real life?”  My son was referring to a scene where a couple went off alone to have sex absent marriage.  I answered the question in truth.  Yes, many people do that in real life because they do not care about the standards that God places.  My son’s response, “I would never do that.  You should be married.”  My desire is for that to be truth in his life.  My prayer is that my son will remain faithful and honor God remaining pure. 

Following our conversation, it seemed that everything on the television did portray exactly what my son had pointed out.  The act is not shown but is assumed by the plot.  The lines between love and lust are blurred, and can often appear undistinguishable. 

Quite a while ago, my definition of lust was extreme.  Lust was the abuse of another.  It was found in those that had an uncontrolled sexual problem that would cause harm.  The only person that would exhibit lust would be the one that would manifest it in such behaviors that would be outwardly clear, such as rape, abuse, etc.  This is a symptom of lust.  But, is lust more than this extreme definition?

I remember in grade school being young having a simple crush on a boy.  Does this magnify signs of lust?  How about the constant thought of someone or something, or simply a satisfaction of one’s own desire?  What about obsessions, something as simple as constantly discussing a wedding day or viewing bridal magazines creating a deep desire in the heart that longs to be satisfied?  Is this lust, or is it merely a healthy desire?  What about constant thoughts and desires for someone that is close to you?  Is this lust?  God made us to have attraction for others.  This can’t possibly be lust.  Or, can it?  The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines lust as, “an intense sexual desire, an intense longing, enthusiasm, eagerness….” 

Is lust always wrong?  How does God define lust?  Are we all prone to lust?  Is lust a pathway to love?  Or, are the two unconnected or always intertwined?  I doubt that most of us would see lust as a positive attribute.  Is my heart naturally prone to lust because of my sinful flesh?

There are some actions that manifest themselves outwardly creating great harm, such as childhood sexual abuse.  I’m certain that there is a spirit of lust that has manifested itself in an individual to outwardly express such a sickening act that is far from natural.  I’m also certain that this seed of lust was planted far before any act manifested.  Lust is in each of us.  Some of us mask it absent any outward sign though the internal damage to our heart exists separating us from God and others limiting the depth of intimacy.  Others of us manifest it in signs that are acceptable and encouraged by society.  All of us have sexual desires and it is expected that these desires are satisfied.  Then, there are times that we are not even aware that seeds of lust have sowed themselves deeply in our hearts and are just waiting for the right opportunity to manifest their presence.

“Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.”  (Psalm 51:6-11 NIV)

Is it possible for me to know the condition of my heart absent seeking the presence of God?  I believe that absent God none of us are able to diagnose the condition of our heart.  The condition of our heart is revealed when I seek God looking to Him.  In His presence, I see my need for more of Him humbly seeking His will and not the desires of my flesh.  Sometimes, our heart can be so wounded and hurt that we do not even realize that we are slowly walking away from the presence of God versus towards Him.

In the fall of 2005, I was a few months following my divorce.  I felt healthy.  My marriage had slowly deteriorated, and it had been quite a while since I had any type of intimacy with a man.  My sexuality was sleeping, and the desire was absent.  I did desire companionship.  I felt because I had been separated for a year that this was enough time to move on and find a new relationship.  I never prayed or sought God.  I never asked God, “Is this your desire?”  Instead, I went online seeking companionship and to fulfill the ache of loneliness.  I felt close to God and was determined to not be with anyone that was not a Christian.  Both dating sites were Christian.  I was also very naïve in the sense that I believed everything that anyone shared with me.  My mind was of the opinion that these people are Christian and seeking companionship.  Why would they lie?  In retrospect, I see my ignorance but at the time I lived in ignorance absent knowledge.  If I would have sought God, He would have freely given His wisdom and protected me.  Instead, I was walking in my own desires.

I completed my profile on Christian Mingle as well as EHarmony.  I was very detailed in my communication of the type of man that I was seeking, as well as the purity desired for the relationship.  I posted my picture, and had all confidence in this match making endeavor.  Within a day, I had 45 emails on Christian Mingle.  I also had several matches on EHarmony.  The attention on Christian Mingle was encouraging.  Since I had felt pretty rejected by my spouse the last few years, even the

Healing Heartbeats: Part 8, Stripped Bare

What happens when life needs to continue, yet all has changed?  What happens when changes result in a shock to your soul and heart where the pain can be so distant and other times can be so suffocating absent escape?  How do you move past the pain into the unknown?

The year of my separation in 2004, I felt the closest to God.  I was filled with hope and surety that God was going to restore my marriage.  God had already brought so much healing to my soul.  I was no longer depressed, and far from being suicidal.  My heart felt at rest and filled up by God.  Change was coming.

The first change would be that my pastor, who had become a father and friend very close to my heart, would leave to teach seminary in Alabama.  God had prepared me for this transition much in advance speaking to me in a dream even before my pastor knew of the change.  This is how much God loves each of us.  He knows that the transitions and changes that he brings which are most difficult require preparation.  Sometimes, this preparation comes in dreams, visions, and words of prophesy.  I’m thankful that God prepared me.  Seeing this pastor leave still was difficult, yet I am thankful that he continues to pray for my son and me daily and remains in my life. 

My service to God had transitioned greatly during this time.  Before leaving the evangelical church, ministry resulted in me building a resume.  My resume was growing with each function, each activity, each success, and was very encouraging.  Yet, it didn’t take long that this resume reflected more of me and less of God.  Sure, it looked good to apply for any ministry position but where is God’s power?  Was God in my service?  I’m sure at some level God was but now was the time to move beyond what I could do, quit building my resume, and rather seek the power of God and His presence.  After leaving the evangelical church, my resume for church work was deleted and destroyed absent any meaningful purpose to my heart and soul.

With the destruction of my ministry resume, my service became focused on one thing only: listening for God and following his lead.  God’s power was very much present but there wasn’t anything that I could list on a resume to obtain a full-time ministry job.  My ministry led me to amazing things.  Sometimes, God would speak leading me to pray with strangers, pray for healing, and I was more just listening to God.  Every instance was filled with the power of God, though none of these instances would earn me a job or recognition in any church.  My heart had changed though; I wanted more of God, His presence, and His direction.  I wanted this more than a ministry.

In February 2005, I would meet a girl of similar age as me who was suffering from a brain tumor.  I prayed for her healing on this side of eternity as well as her salvation.  God would frequently wake me in the middle of the night, or lead me throughout the day to lift her up in prayer.  My heart felt so close to her during her journey.  I was able to pray with her personally during her celebration of life party.  At the same time, our church was having a teaching series on healing.  I was so certain and had all faith that God would do a miracle and heal her tumor.  Just before my divorce would be final, she would die.  The initial feeling was shock and numbness. 

At her funeral, I would speak with all in her family.  These were people that were strangers but now my heart felt as if they were closer then family.  Her husband shared with me concerning her faith and I was certain that she accepted Christ.  Actually, a month prior, I had a vision of Jesus reaching down and taking her to be with him.  At the time, I still would not be accepting that this meant she would die.  I still prayed for a miracle. 

A few weeks after her death, in speaking to her husband who had been divorced before and now a widow, he shared

Seasons Change- Pt 5

All seasons have their beauty and are experienced by each of us differently.  Spring and summer tend to be more desired with the entrance of new life, joy, happiness, wonder, fun, and celebration.  Whereas, autumn and winter seem least desired with the entrance of change, waiting, challenge, trials, and transformation.  God desires to lead us in every season, and will never leave our side.
 
“By day the LORD went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or night. Neither the pillar of cloud by day nor the pillar of fire by night left its place in front of the people.”  (Exodus 13:21-22 NIV)
 
In our humanness, there can be a great desire to push ahead of God in pride in the attempt to appease our desires and expectations.  All of us, at times, I’m sure have run ahead of God pursuing things outside of His timing or running in a direction that was outside of His will.  As well, I’m sure all of us have resisted change pulling back falling behind God out of fear, stubbornness, lack of trust, and our own frustrations.  Our attempts to control and lead our life will only lead to destruction and away from God’s peace.
 
“Good and upright is the LORD; therefore He instructs sinners in His ways. He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them His way. All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful for those who keep the demands of His covenant.” (Psalm 25:8-10 NIV)
 
It requires a great deal of humility to surrender to our Lord and Savior recognizing that He knows best, His way is perfect, and He is the leader.  Letting go of our plans, expectations and desires to trust fully in God requires faith.  The outcome of this surrender is wisdom, growth, transformation, peace and a greater intimacy with our heavenly Father.  We are then able to experience bits of Heaven here on earth surrounded by His beauty and love regardless of any circumstance. 
 
Will you fully trust in Jesus to guide you through each season of your life?  Have you surrendered fully to His will?  Or, are you still in control delaying all that God has planned?  Know that your Heavenly Father loves you more than you can imagine and has a perfect plan if you will only turn to Him, wait on His timing, and trust in His love.
 
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)
 
NEEDTOBREATHE – Something Beautiful
From the album The Outsiders  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AH4rC4oPfoU)
 
In your ocean I’m ankle deep
I feel the waves crashing on my feet
It’s like I know where I need to be
I can’t figure out, No, I can’t figure out
Just how much air I will need to breathe When your tide rushes over me
There’s only one way to figure out Will you let me drown Will you let me drown
 
Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire
Cause I just want
Something beautiful to touch me
I know that I’m in reach
I am down on my knees
And waiting for
Something beautiful
 
And the water is rising quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can’t be sure when it will subside
So I won’t leave your side
No I can’t leave your side
Something beautiful

 

 

Copyright 2010, Eternally Hopeful Ministries

Seasons Change- Pt 4

Summer is easily enjoyed being the season of celebration, joy, laughter, and newness.  My mind easily dreams with hopeful thoughts and desires in reflection of summer.  This season also comes to an end with the need to move forward, bring change and ongoing transformation.
 
And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn
(Nichole Nordeman, Every Season)
 
Autumn contains all evidence that change is in process.  The leaves on the trees begin to turn from green to shades of brown, orange, yellow and red.  During its progression, the leaves begin to fall upon the ground.  Even in change, there is joy to be found.  Some of my favorite memories as a child are raking leaves in a big pile and then jumping in.  I also enjoyed the anticipation of the holiday seasons, dressing up, carving pumpkins and so much more.
 
In the autumn of our soul, there are also signs of change.  God will always reveal these to us, but it is our decision to move forward trusting in him or resisting in fear.  In yesterday’s work bible study, we were asked which statement we most agreed with:
 
1)                  Each time God asks something of me, I feel as though I’m starting over in my attitude.
2)                  Each time God asks something of me, I find it a little easier to trust him.
3)                  Each time God asks something of me, I panic because I know it’s going to be hard.
4)                  Each time God asks something of me, I get excited about the challenge.
 
As taught, “change always leads us outside of our comfort zone.  This leading from God stretches our boundaries, moves us so that we can experience God’s protection, and teaches us to depend more on our Lord and Savior versus independence in our own ability.”
 
As we grow, mature, and desire to become more like Christ, change is inevitable.  It will come even with our resistance.  As we surrender to His will and seek to follow Him, peace will reign in our hearts and souls despite any circumstance that may be faced.  During your time of change, trust that the Lord is guiding you and with you.  Seek His peace, protection, wisdom, and guidance.  Lean on Christ as your strength. 
 
Change is an exciting time as we allow Christ to transform our souls.  Change will always lead to new life.  It comes out of God’s love for us so that we can be transformed resembling Him as His children.
 
“Jesus replied, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.  “Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!”  (John 12:23-28 NIV)
 
“But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…”  (Isaiah 43: 1-3a NIV)

Copyright 2010, Eternally Hopeful Ministries

Seasons Change- Pt 3

Spring brings great beauty as the temperature gets warmer and bursts of new life are seen.  Tiny patches of green within no time become coverings of God’s glory.  Flowers begin to sprout up.  Joy comes with the opening of every petal.  Soon, all has sprouted.  Colors are many, and life is evident.  The season of much celebration has arrived.
 
As a child, some of my favorite memories were catching lightning bugs, playing flashlight tag, and hide n seek in the darkness of the warm summer skies.  During the day, running under the sprinklers, going on long bike rides, eating watermelon, and playing with my siblings created much happiness.  Today, my favorite summer memories involve my son.  I love to see him playing outside with his friends, participating in sports, watching him swim, enjoying water parks, and the periodic vacation exploring new places.
 
Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer
(Nichole Nordeman, Every Season)
 
God also blesses us with the season of summer in the depths of our soul.  This season can come with circumstances changed in finally selling that house that has continued endlessly on the market, engagement, marriage, a new relationship, pregnancy, a new baby, a new grandchild, a promotion, relief from financial pressures, healing from illness, forgiveness, restoration, reconciliation, resolution of conflicts, loved ones coming to Christ and many other situations.  Summer can also be an internal celebration that is absent outside circumstances.  It can come in the initial born again experience accepting Christ as our Savior, a recommitment to Christ, or also the joy found in surrendering to His will with a renewing of His presence within us.
 
Summer is the season of celebration.  It is a season to remain thankful, to continue to pursue God, to continue to long for the things of eternity, and to remain focused.  Sometimes, when things are going well, our need for God is diminished and a greater temptation exists to turn away versus to remain steadfast even in the time of celebration.  It is also important for each of us to continue to rejoice and remain thankful celebrating with others during their season of summer even when this is not our current season.  Every day contains a reason for celebration.
 
“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.”  (Psalm 90:14 NIV)
 
“They will tell of the power of your awesome works, and I will proclaim your great deeds. They will celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness. The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.”  (Psalm 145:6-8 NIV)
 
“The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against Heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate…. we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’” (Luke 15:21-24, 32 NIV)
 
“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.”  (Philippians 4:4-5 NIV)

 

Copyright 2010, Eternally Hopeful Ministries

Seasons Change- Pt 2

In the coldness and dark skies of winter, I often have to make a determined focus to be thankful.  I have to remind myself of the beauty that can be found within this season from the sparkle of snow flakes, to the freshness of the cool air, the laughter of children playing in the snow, and the warmness found underneath a snuggly blanket enjoying a good movie indoors with a bowl of popcorn.  Every season has its wonder and beauty.  Every season also has its end.
 
Of greatest delight is when I get a special notice in the mail announcing that little league baseball registration is arriving the first week of February.  This is my first sign of spring.  My heart automatically does a leap inside with the anticipation of enjoying another year with the formation of a new team, meeting new parents, seeing my son play, and eating hotdogs during the games.  Spring is just around the corner.
 
“And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new”
(Nichole Nordeman, Every Season)
 
In the deadness of winter, especially if this season of our soul has been very long, anticipating and seeing spring can be very difficult.  Though, know that spring will always arrive in God’s perfect timing.
 
Spring is a time where new life begins to be visible.  The soul begins to feel freedom from the pains of God’s transforming power and the circumstances of life.  The steadfast focus on the Lord, despite one’s circumstances, begins to melt away the hardness of one’s heart as the presence of God begins to seep in deeper than before.  Praise and worship begins to become easier.  The circumstances surrounding us begin to loose significance, even in their ongoing existence, as our eyes begin to see a clearer vision of something beyond today.  As our eyes remain focused on Jesus for His perfect will and timing, our vision becomes clear.  The sprouts of new growth are experienced with the joy of the Lord being the fertilizer to new life.
 
“He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.”  (Psalm 40:2-4 NIV)

 

Copyright 2010, Eternally Hopeful Ministries

Seasons Change- Pt 1

I feel blessed to live in a climate where I can experience the fullness of every season from the snow, ice and cold of winter to the warm sunny days of summer.  I do have to admit that some seasons are less desired and require effort to remain thankful.  In Nichole Nordeman’s song, Every Season, the lyrics reflect the differing seasons of our soul in comparison to the seasons of nature. 
 
For most of us, living in the Chicago area, it is currently cold.  Snow and ice are common elements.  In the deepness of our soul, this season can also be experienced.  Sometimes, it is experienced due to circumstances such as divorce, financial strain, job loss, death, illness, conflicts or any other number of life difficulties.  Winter can also be experienced absent outside circumstances but instead due to internal struggles faced in one’s own spiritual frustrations.  You may be experiencing a time when God feels distant for no particular reason.  Winter can also be a season of waiting for something more.  It creates a desire for deeper intimacy with our Savior.  It creates a desire for progress, movement, challenge, new things, and deeper longings.  Below are the lyrics from Nichole’s song in reference to the season of winter:
 
“And everything in time and under Heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter.”
 
Are you experiencing winter in the depths of your soul?  Know that God is with you.  He sees your heart.  He knows your desires.  Allow Him to transform your soul, heart, and mind during this time.  He loves you more than you can imagine.  God is at work.  Wait on the Lord and trust in Him.
 
“Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.”  (1Peter 5:8-11 NIV)

 

Copyright 2010, Eternally Hopeful Ministries

 

Healing Heartbeats: Part 7, Flaws Revealed

This past summer, 500 Days of Summer was released in theatres.  The movie is the reflection of a young man’s recollection of the past 500 days with his girlfriend following their breakup.  Tom (played by actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is a hopeless romantic who quickly falls in love with Summer.  In his love for her, all he sees is perfection.  He continues to reflect and a twist occurs.  The perfection of their relationship now has flaws revealed.  He begins to see the relationship through the eyes of truth versus the emotions and excitement of new love.  In the truth, he sees how his expectations clouded his vision.  His experience of the relationship was quite different from reality.  The movie progresses through each of these stages of healing. 

As I reflect upon my past relationship, I can tell many different stories from all different perspectives.  Each version has truth.  Reality is the complete picture, which I believe God is only able to see in all truth.  He knows everything and the heart of every individual at all times.  I do not have the ability to see the heart of another, or what is going on inside.  Often, my interpretation is flawed absent all information and due to my own ongoing need for healing. 

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? “I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.”  (Jeremiah 17:9-10)

As I have continued to learn, the closer I get to Christ reveals more of my own need for healing and transformation.  Unfortunately, the evangelical churches that I was a part of during the first 4 years of my relationship with Christ and marriage were focused on evangelism without any focus on discipleship.  I accepted Christ and the church put me to work.  It would not be until I began studies at Trinity International University that I would have any discipleship.  It was here that my professors began to really care for what was going on inside of my heart and soul.  They saw me not for what job I could get done in the church, but instead as a daughter of Christ deserving of His transforming power. 

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”  (2Corinthians 3:17-18)

In the evangelistic mega church, I was uplifted.  The more that I served and did was congratulated and encouraged.  I never learned how to really hear God’s voice, listen for him, or serve in His strength.  I became very busy.  But, when I was at home alone, there was great contradiction.  I wanted to serve God, yet there were things in my heart that were spilling out which I didn’t understand.

My husband was also very active and always in the spotlight.  Being from an ethnic background, they would often place him in videos and shine upon him to encourage diversity within the church body.  He also did not have any discipleship.  If he was present, serving, and making others happy, everything was good.  But, did anyone ever ask, “How is your soul?  What is going on inside?”  It was always about service.

We were both busy serving in different areas of the church, and also being pulled in quite different directions despite being within the same church.  In reality, we rarely were together.  Since my son was very young, I would often receive

Healing Heartbeats: Part 6, New Adventures

Moving out to Utah was filled with many new adventures.  There was excitement and wonder in many new things.  We spent nearly every weekend hiking with church friends in the mountains of Utah.  Several weekends, we traveled to neighboring states exploring and seeing so much of God’s beauty.  We traveled down south to the Grand Canyon enjoying its breathtaking scenery.  Arches National Park was an exciting adventure hiking throughout its wonders.  Yellowstone National Park I categorize as a place filled with much beauty and many wonders.  The west contained many hiking adventures, much traveling, and so many new things.  These times are precious and all of them were enjoyed and cherished with my ex-husband. 

Also enjoyed was our time spent serving in a small church plant during our time in Utah.  There was much excitement.  My then husband was very involved on the worship team, and a very talented musician.  We would arrive really early to help set up all the chairs for the service, and be the last to leave having to clean up and put away all the chairs and equipment.  We served together doing dramas which was a lot of fun memorizing lines and practicing together.  I was also on the greeting team.  I easily enjoyed and loved working with the children teaching Kindergarten creating my own lessons, games, and planning for Sunday.  I never served or taught before this time but it all just came natural to me and something I very much enjoyed.  Church energized us and there isn’t a memory in this church that I recall negatively.

Getting pregnant changed a lot.  We did not desire to raise a child in the Mormon culture of Utah.  Other friends I had of different Christian denominations would express often how people of outside faiths were basically isolated in the school system.  There was a feeling of being a minority if not part of the LDS church.  The people were very loving and nice, but there was an underlying culture with the Mormon belief system of which most played religion.  Returning to Illinois was not a difficult decision with the desire for our son to grow up to be grounded in Christ absent this confusion. 

Becoming a new mom and my desires of not returning to work to now raise a family did not play out as easily as expected.  In my heart and mind, my role was now mother and my desire was to be a full-time mom.  I wanted 4 children.  Within a few short months, my dreams and hopes would be shattered creating for much emotional difficulty with me returning back to work.  The first 1.5 years were difficult as my desires and plans were destroyed by what was required so that we could make ends meet.

As I adjusted to the unexpected, everything began to get much better.  I loved being a mom.  Of anything in life, this came most natural.  We returned to our previous church home and both of us quickly were established and began to serve God.  Though, this time as the church was so huge, our service was separately versus together.  I loved church.  They had so many wonderful programs for my son.  I quickly moved into

Healing Heartbeats: Part 5, Something More

If you speak with most divorced people, they often will bash or express hatred for their ex-spouse regardless of their child(ren).  This has never been the case for me.  I just fail to understand how all transpired to where it is today.  Was everything the Will of God?

I know that I am not perfect.  I also know that because of my own lack of knowledge that I didn’t always meet the needs of my husband nor did I always represent a Godly wife.

My first marriage was very short.  I was very young at the age of 18 years.  The marriage is defined simply as much pain, dysfunction, confusion, depression, and abuse.  So, for all future posts, I will only refer to my second marriage because it is the most significant.

In dating my second spouse, the relationship began in much dysfunction.  I was not a Christian.  I was very needy.  He met my every need.  He was a rebound relationship.  I had great insecurity in myself.  He was my rescue.  Our core foundation had a high degree of codependency that I know that neither of us anticipated.  We were both very young.  I needed him, and I’m sure at some level he needed me to need him.  Our relationship did not begin with Christ as our center.

I didn’t have boundaries.  As can be expected, emotions and neediness were heightened by a relationship that began from the start to be very sexually active.  He had also found his escape to no longer need to live at home with his parents.  I had found my comfort to no longer need to live alone.  I had a female roommate, but a man was my choice.  Little time passed and we would be living together.

I did not know Christ at the time, though in the depths of my heart, I always felt diminished in importance by the situation.  Sometimes, I gave it little thought.  But, often, my heart and mind would be filled with guilt knowing that we were not married.  As I began to seek out Christ in the fall of 1995, our relationship shifted greatly.

In entering a seeker small group, from the onset, I knew that I could not live with my boyfriend because I did not feel it right by God and that we could no longer be sexually active.  I wanted to live as pure as I could if I was really going to seek out truth, knowing that there was a God, and knowing truth.  For the first time, I purchased a bible (Quest version).  Initially, reading the Word seemed as a foreign language that I couldn’t understand.  As we read the Word in the group outloud, with each meeting, I would have greater clarity but also even more questions.  I had to go backward before going forward.  I actually decided that there was not a God, but kept attending the meetings because I still desired truth.  My boyfriend would sometimes attend, and everyone always loved his attendance as he is very friendly, social, and easily makes others laugh. 

The greatest shift in our relationship during this time was

Healing Heartbeats: Part 4, Lies and Strongholds

God is always loving, all powerful, in control, and having our best interest at heart.  Whenever I write, I ask God to take me exactly where he needs me to be.  Often, this involves sorting through my own thoughts to arrive at His truth.  I find that I am often led to places still requiring His touch of healing to remove the clutter of the world.  Being in the presence of God, I allow Him to do the cleaning. 

Postings about relationships, desires, marriage, past hurts, and the like always lead to the clutter.  It is a good place to be with God because I’m tired of its existence.  My heart’s desire is to be in His will, receiving more of His love, and holding onto His hand where I know that complete safety exists.  When I am there with him, there is deep intimacy and love.  My every need is met.  As we walk through my thoughts, heart, and pain, I see what is not right as He reveals it to me. 

In His love, he will never give me more than I can handle at any given moment.  There is much relief in this fact.  What if we saw all of what God sees in His presence?  I know it would be heartbreaking since my heart’s desire is to reflect His holiness, purity, truth, and to resemble Him in all of me.  As a loving father and husband, He never does this but instead He brings a calmness and peace pouring His love into my heart.  He allows me to enjoy His presence.  He loves me despite the condition of my heart, soul, and all that remains needing His transformation.

There is a beautiful song recently released by Brandon Heath, Love Never Fails, from his album What if We.  I’m sure that this song is going to be played often at weddings though it has far deeper meaning then the unity of a man and woman.  The song is about the love of Christ for each of us.  The lyrics are listed below:

Love is not proud, Love does not boast, Love after all, Matters the most,
Love does not run, Love does not hide, Love does not keep, Locked inside,
Love is the river that flows through, Love never fails you,
Love will sustain, Love will provide, Love will not cease At the end of time,
Love will protect, Love always hopes, Love still believes When you don’t,
Love is the arms that are holding you, Love never fails you.
When my heart won’t make a sound,
When I can’t turn back around,
When the sky is falling down,
Nothing is greater than this, Greater than this,
Love is right here, Love is alive, Love is the way, The truth the life
Love is the river that flows through,
Love is the arms that are holding you,
Love is the place you will fly to, Love never fails you.

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2HMuADj5mA)

With everything in my past, it can seem sad or as if God wasn’t there.  He was always with me in everything.  He has always loved me, and continues to love me.  He was always bringing healing even when

Healing Heartbeats: Part 3, Brokenness

A huge part of my life was spent with my second husband.  We were together from 1992-2004.  Of those years, 9 were spent married.  For most of my marriage, I was on a journey of healing.  I wish I could say that when I got married that I brought everything wonderful.  I know this isn’t truth.  I had no idea what characteristics made for a good wife, a good husband, a good marriage, or even the need for growth in Christ.  It seemed that the moment I was married to my ex-husband, my past wounds began to bleed.  Six months into the marriage, I began to see a counselor every week.  I began to have nightmares of my past. 

My husband and I worked different schedules during this time.  He worked in the evening.  I worked in the day.  We really only saw each other right before bed and half of Saturday, and all of Sunday.  During the times when we weren’t together I was crying, depressed, and in counseling.  It was also a huge struggle being a new Christian living in the heart of Mormonism.  At the time, I had entirely no idea why I felt so sad or what all the feelings inside of me were about.  My counselor’s name was Don.  This was initially a struggle being the same name as my dad.  Though, he was the first man that showed me so much love similar to a father.  I spent over a year in counseling with him.  Wounds of past sexual abuse began to surface, but I couldn’t go there.  It was then that I found out I was pregnant.

My son was such a blessing from God.  Though also, it created for a change in my marriage.  I don’t know if it is truth but I felt like I became ugly.  At the end of my pregnancy, high blood pressure became a problem which also resulted in me gaining weight.  It seemed that I was no longer this sexy beautiful wife anymore.  As well, there was much strain that presented itself early on with a move back to Illinois.  My desire was always to be a stay at home mom.  I loved children, wanting 4.  I figured 2 boys and 2 girls would be the most beautiful family.  I did have a good job and career but my heart was just to have a family.  After my son’s birth, I had not a second thought and quit my job.  I had been employed for nearly 10 years with savings in retirement cashing it all in to enable the ability to be a full-time mom.

My desires put a lot of pressure on my husband.  For several months, we lived with his parents being extremely stressful for me.  I think I hid away in a bedroom more then I felt like I lived.  My simple thought of how it would all work to start a family never lined up.  When leaving Utah, our insurance carrier had promised me a job if I desired to return to work.  I didn’t desire to return to work, but bills needed to be paid.  So, I called them inquiring about their offer to which they were extremely happy wanting me to begin working immediately.  I began to work full-time supporting our family when my son was only 4 months of age.  Every morning, I cried continuously on my way into work.  On my way home, the same cycle began.  I was crying all the time.  I wanted to be my son’s mom and within a few months I had to hand him to strangers to allow them to raise my baby.  It was the most heartbreaking action of my entire life. 

Of anything in my life, being a mother came most natural.  There was never a time that I did not love or care for my son.  He was and has always been my most precious gift.  Though, I still wish even to this day that I could have stayed home and raised him as I would have desired.

Though, in all things, I believe God uses things and people to continue to shape our hearts and remove lies.  Before, I always thought that to drop your child at daycare was really the worst possible action.  I did not believe that any child could grow up healthy raised by others.  Though, as I look at my son today, he is a wonderful boy.  He is smart, spiritual, nice, and has always been a good kid.  He isn’t perfect.  I don’t believe childcare harmed him. Though, still, I would have chosen to remain at home.

I believe my action of going back to work was actually my first huge mistake in my marriage.  Instead of allowing my husband to lead the family and fully trusting in his ability, I stepped out into that

Healing Heartbeats: Part 2, For Better or Worse

Yesterday evening, my son and I went to see the movie Leap Year obviously my choice.  I was in one of those moods desiring to see a happy romantic movie, even if unrealistic.  In the movie, the woman heads to Ireland to propose to her boyfriend on leap year.  Apparently, there is an Irish tradition that allows for the girlfriend to propose on that date.  Her boyfriend is a cardiologist currently in Ireland for business.  The movie is cute showing a series of events leading up to a new relationship.  There is romance, humor, and an underlying sweetness and purity.  My son and I laughed frequently throughout the movie which was much enjoyed.  I leave the theatre and my emotions, heart and mind are temporarily convinced that I could step out into the world connecting with any man to find true love, beauty, happiness, and joy.  Is that not the desire of every heart?

There is something deeply within the female heart that desires to connect with a man living happily ever after.  It seems to the extent that there are times that all things will be sacrificed to find this.  Sometimes, intelligence is sacrificed as some men are more intrigued by the female that is a bit ditsy, goofy, or plainly put ‘the airhead’.  Sometimes, health is sacrificed as some men will only be kept with ongoing physical interaction and sexual pleasure thus risking many forms of disease not to mention emotional heartache.  Sometimes, spirituality is sacrificed as it seems that the common man does not appear interested in things of God.  Sometimes, relationships are sacrificed to allow for more time with the man with less importance for friendships.  The list could go on.  There are some females that will risk all of their identity for security in the arms of a man.  It can be easy to believe that once this special man is found that all hope and purpose is fulfilled.  What choice is there?  Does anyone really want to be single, alone, and living life absent companionship?

My first marriage at the age of 18 was out of fear.  I was afraid to stay in my family home containing much abuse though I had nowhere else to go.  The very first man to say the magic words, “I love you” melted my heart.  These special words I had never heard.  I was an honor roll student, very pretty, very involved in school, many friends, and always in a relationship.  Yet, I lacked self confidence within myself.  This man was a truck driver, married before, very experienced in much of life that was not admirable, never graduated high school, and really not very intelligent.  Though he was my opposite, he loved me.  What if I was never loved by anyone again?

The foundation of my first marriage was absent.  I was married at a courthouse within 6 weeks of meeting this man in tears feeling trapped and alone.  This marriage was one that I would never desire to relive.  It contained abuse on nearly every level.  He was never faithful.  In the short relationship and marriage, my identity was diminished to nothing.  I was not a Christian at the time though God was still with me.  A simple prayer to God asking for the truth in tears, I prayed, “I can’t do this anymore.  Please help me to know the truth.”  The truth led into an extremely painful and costly divorce.  It seemed at the moment I had the strength to leave, abuse heightened resulting

What Faith Can Do

“Give thanks to the LORD, call on His name; make known among the nations what He has done. Sing to Him, sing praise to Him; tell of all His wonderful acts. Glory in His holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice. Look to the LORD and His strength; seek His face always. Remember the wonders He has done, His miracles, and the judgments He pronounced…”  (1 Chronicles 16:8-12 NIV)

As we continue to journey through 2010, remember the greatness of God in all things.  He is an almighty, powerful, loving, compassionate, and strong God.  When we seek his face always, He is glorified and we will have peace and truth allowing His love to fill our heart and soul.  Let this be a year where we seek the face of the Lord in every circumstance.

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word…

(Lyrics from ‘What Faith Can Do’ by Kutless)

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”  (Romans 15:13 NIV)

Copyright 2010, Eternally Hopeful Ministries