Just as You Are

With fingers pointed upwards and hands prayerfully wrapped by a rosary, my black shiny shoes tapped the floor as I slowly walked forward clothed beautifully in my white dress.  I was about to enter God’s presence.  It was my first communion.  I was to become Holy just as God was Holy.  God, was I beautiful to you? 

Kneeling with hands together, as a young child, I pray over and over, “God, if you are there, speak to me.  I just want to know that you are there.”  God answered by His most beautiful presence.  The Holy Spirit poured down upon me.  God’s warmth filled my soul.  God, I love you so much.  I want so much more of you.

I was a child looking deeply into my father’s eyes.  I stood reluctantly fearing that I was not worthy of my daddy’s love.  My slender body was weak.  My father called me to his side.  In a sudden pull, I was trapped in a chain of misery.  His lips touched mine.  I screamed inside without a voice to be heard.  Tears flowed from my eyes as a waterfall of pain poured down my cheeks.  As I accepted my defeat,

Family of God

Since my divorce, the holidays have always contained a level of dreariness.  Instead of the idea of rejoicing and celebration, the reality of life sinks into the heart eliminating the dreams and fairy tales that often give much hope despite their lack of possibility.  While married, I enjoyed having everyone over.  This everyone included not just my husband and son, but it also included my husband’s mother, father, and brothers.  At times, it would include his brothers’ girlfriends.  In addition, the celebration would include my grandmother and any friends absent a family.  My home was never big requiring the dinner table to be spread between the small dining room and into the living room.  There was a completeness felt not only in the expectation for the day but also in the preparation and sharing with others, even those that I didn’t know well.

In the summer of 2004, when my husband and I would be separated, everything would change.  Now, my holidays are very tiny in comparison.  There have been many spent just my son and myself.  This brings a totally different perspective to family with the realization of brokenness and loss.  Several holidays have included my grandma.  Those absent her were when she traveled east to spend with my uncle.  I spent one Christmas totally alone, which is quite an experience of the emotions.  Each year is different, but never have I felt the same completeness, joy, and celebration as when part of a complete family.

There is always a struggle of the heart, emotions and mind with this reality.  I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters, yet we are scattered and nearly all are absent a relationship with Christ.  But, of even greater sadness is, “Where is my church family?”

The reality is when you have completeness in your family often you do not see beyond your little box of completeness to include others.  Despite the repetition of the fact that we are the body of Christ and the family of God, this sometimes does not expand beyond and outside of the doors of the church.  What is the church family? 

Growing up, there was never a Sunday missed.  Even when I was sick, we went to church.  I never disliked church rather it intrigued me.  I desired to know in truth and experience what was taught in the Sunday school religion books.  In all my many days of church attendance, the idea of the family of God and how we love each other was reiterated constantly.  Inside the walls of the church,

Joy of Laughter

I’m of the opinion that the best way to start off a church service is to hand out sour gum balls.  These are the type when you start to chew, the sourness makes your jaw clench, your gums suck in tight, and your eyes fill with tears.  In the process of it all, you loose all composure.  Loosing composure and the seriousness of life, you actually are enabled to have joy and experience happiness. 

The sourness of the gumball becomes quite comical allowing laughter to easily flow.  You laugh so hard that you have to sit down, or indeed you may wet your pants if the occurrence has not already happened as snot easily flows from the nose.  A bond comes with the realization that we are all snot faced. 

This sour gumball memory actually occurred with my ex-husband while we were dating back in my early 20s.  We bought a bunch of sour gum balls.  The goal was simple and without great meaning.  How many sour gum balls can we chew?  How fast can we chew?  How long can we endure the sourness?  It was a simple challenge absent purpose but with profound impact turning into

Friendly Infestation

In Salt Lake City, I lived in the upper floor of an older house.  My apartment was very pretty with a winding staircase that went up from the living room into the attic.  My bedroom was in the attic, which was very unique with differing levels of ceiling.  Fortunately, for me, I’m height challenged so I enjoyed this uniqueness.  There were small windows that surrounded the upper attic bedroom, with pink carpeting.  The first spring, I was introduced to some new friends.

These new friends were very friendly though not enjoyed.  They surrounded the windows and seemed to multiply at a steady increasing rate.  They were creepy black with red stripes on their back.  Sometimes, they would fly and swarm around in all sorts of places.  They could squeeze into tiny crevices and would welcome themselves everywhere.  My new friends were box elder bugs.  They came uninvited absent politeness.  They were an extreme annoyance, frustrating, and brought creeps with their swarming nature.

Despite many attempts, I could never rid of their existence.  I used every sort of bug spray, fumigated my own home to the extent that I nearly fumigated myself.  My only recourse was to adjust to their periodic visitation and attempt to enjoy their company.  Returning to Illinois, the box elder bug had become a distant memory, a forgotten visitor, until

Overflowing Joy

Shortly after my divorce, my good friend Karen gave me a picture of Jesus laughing.  She wanted the picture to remind me that Jesus is not just there in our tears but also to celebrate with us, to have fun, to rejoice, and to laugh.  In His presence, we find joy.  The picture hangs directly above my computer.

It is easy for me to see Jesus from the perspective of anger as when overturning the tables of the money changers in the temple.  I also can easily see compassion as he heals the blind, cripple, and drives out demons.  Seeing him teaching and convicting the sinner is not difficult to imagine.  I can easily experience his grace through the extension of forgiveness as when the woman wets Jesus’ feet with her tears wiping them with her hair and use of perfume.  Courage, protection, wisdom, and gentleness are also very easy to conceptualize in the gospels.  I can easily relate to the suffering, pain, tears, and sadness through the crucifixion.  I wish I could experience and see a clear picture of Jesus in happiness, joy, dancing, celebration, and singing. 

Scripture is full of the words joy, happiness, and laughter.  Following these words often are praise, dancing, shouting, and singing.  Tonight, I have a great desire to really be able to be in the presence of Jesus and truly enjoy him.  I desire the freedom in my spirit to dance, sing, and laugh.  I cannot think of a more beautiful expression of love than

Inner Craving

As my son Brandon was getting ready for bed tonight, he asked, “Mommy, is God so picky?  When I get to heaven, will he tell me everything that I did wrong?  Like, will he say remember when you broke this and you forgot to ask forgiveness?  Will he be mad at me?  Will he remember everything?” 

As I listened to my son’s question, the answer seemed obvious.  I respond, “No, God is not picky.  If you have accepted Jesus as your Savior, you are forgiven.  When you get to heaven, God will be so happy that you are there.  He will say, “Welcome Home!”  Then, he’ll give you the biggest hug.”  Brandon’s face lit up with a smile that showed much joy and relief.

Watching Brandon sleep, I can’t help but wonder, “Do I live my life in a way that reflects the truth, pureness, and holiness of God’s love?”  I realize even more how much I need to be in the presence of God quietly listening for His voice and guidance while absorbing His love, grace, and mercy.  As I receive more of His love, I am more able to love others in a way that truly glorifies Him.

I realize that often my heart so craves more love that my actions do not reflect the love of Christ, but rather a means to earn and receive love from others.  The very pursuit of love through performance, achievement, or even service diminishes the quality.  I need not pursue or earn the love of God.  His love is waiting to be received when I spend time in relationship with Him.  In His presence, I receive what I really need for my heart and soul.

All of us need to be loved.  Tonight, I received an email from my sister.  She wrote about the movie This is It, “I actually liked it all but found myself sad at times knowing that I was literally watching the last days and moments of his life.  Sad because

In His Presence

On Sunday, my pastor prayed challenging me to seek God.  Seek God because He is God.  Pray and ask God to come so close to me that I have singe marks from being in His presence.

That evening, my prayers had few words.  In my sadness and struggles, I went to God and prayed, “God I only seek you.  Bring me into your presence.”  There was an uncomfortable silence. In the silence, my thoughts were many.  I need strength, encouragement, emotional healing, and especially more of God’s love.  I have so many prayer requests.  So many people need healing.  All of these thoughts contained the needs and desires of others and me.  I become overwhelmed.  I recall my pastor’s words, “Take every thought captive.  Press into God because He is worthy.”  I return to the simple prayer, “God I only seek you.  Bring me into your presence.”

I have now prayed this prayer ongoing several times since Sunday.  The prayer is unique and not easy to pray.  I realize how often I go to God to get results, answered prayers, and out of perceived needs and desires.  My exchange with God becomes a business function leaving my heart empty.  God becomes a means to an end, not any different than a genie in a bottle to grant my every wish.  When my wish isn’t granted, I feel

Are we there yet?

As a child, one of my favorite places to go was to visit my grandparents.  The journey was a long enduring car ride.  Before the days of required seat belts and car seats, our big family was packed like sardines in our small car.  We sat on the floor, each other’s laps, stood, or squeezed for hours waiting.  I recall staring out the window in boredom.  It seemed the car wasn’t moving to never arrive.  There came the ongoing annoyance of a brother or sister coming through pokes, pinches, name calling, pushes, or whatever means seemed to satisfy to combat their boredom.  It was fortunate the times when you were able to drift off to sleep waking just moments before arriving at the destination.  The journey was seldom enjoyable.

The next favorite place to visit was our yearly trip to Great America.  There was always much excitement.  One car ride will forever reign in my memory.  Following one year’s adventure, we were driving home and my sister Heather was feeling quite ill.  She started to cry that her stomach was sick.  My father didn’t stop.  Within a matter of moments, she vomited all over me.  Fortunate for everyone else, the vomit only covered me.  The smell was putrid.  Needless to say, this car ride

This is It

On Friday, I went to see ‘This is It’.  Growing up in the 80s with music being a huge influence and a background to my experiences, the movie was enjoyable.  I found myself singing and tapping my feet to the beat.  There was a great desire to get up and dance versus just watching a screen.  I felt young as if taken back in time when it seemed quite easy to believe that all things were possible and the world was full of hope. 

In seeing the preparation, I found that I was saddened by the fact that the concert was not able to take place.  It seemed every detail was extremely essential with great significance.  Whether it be the music, dancers, scenery, background, costumes, lighting, or so many other components, they were all important.  I found myself uplifted and inspired by the passion behind the preparation.  I also enjoyed being drawn into the excitement of every detail.

Most would say the ‘Big Event’ of the concert tour did not occur.  But, I wonder.  Maybe the concert was not to be the ‘Big Event’.  Perhaps, the ‘Big Event’ was

History, Heartbreak, Hope

In high school, I recall several girls who would frequent studying bridal magazines.  Their hope and dream was the day when they would be united with their future husband and live happily ever after.  My happily ever after equated to the ability to leave home by whatever means possible.  I never desired to be married.

When I saw the marriage of my parents, I wanted to have children but I didn’t desire a spouse.  I equated men to be the problem.  Viewing my parent’s relationship, my father was unloving and controlling.  If my dad was absent, the home environment tended to be relaxed and happy.  I dreaded the hours that my dad would be home, and welcomed the hours he would leave.  When home, there was a set of rules to follow.  Do not talk to your father until after he ate dinner.  If his favorite sport team lost, stay distant for your own safety.  I learned to keep my mouth shut.  The safest place was isolating myself in my bedroom or working to avoid home life.  My opinion didn’t matter.  I learned that as a female my value was little to none.

I made simple vows internally which were 1) I was not going to grow up miserable like my mom and dad, and 2) I would be happy.  I desired life to look differently than my experience.  Yet, I didn’t have a clue how to make my life different or even how to be happy.

I was slender, pretty, and an honor roll student yet I had absolutely no confidence.  I didn’t know who I was, and I didn’t feel loved.  It isn’t surprising that while waitressing at a truck stop, I would meet my first husband.  He never finished high school, had a rough demeanor, was 8 years older, and nothing of attraction.  He gave me words that I never heard spoken

Love Happens

“But, at nighttime, when there was nothing to do and the house was all empty, I would always think of Jenny.”  (Forrest Gump, 1994)

When there is nothing to do and your house is empty, what do you think of?  I wonder, “How does love happen?”  Reality, if you look at the divorce rate and relationships in the United States, the statistics are not encouraging.  Then, take it a step further and consider the marriages around you.  Are you encouraged?

Today, while making a return at Wal-mart, the lady scanning the product comments, “I wish I could rid of my husband.”  She was depressed.  By her demeanor and comments, it appeared clear that she felt unloved, unwanted, and had a difficult marriage. 

Everyone wants to feel loved and wanted.  It has been over 4 years since any man has expressed any interest in me.  It has been over 5 years since my separation of my marriage of 9 years and total relationship of over 12 years.  It is over 4 years since my official divorce.  As the relationship is over, have I really experienced true love or was all merely an imitation not worthy of the title?

There is something beautiful about the idea of someone truly loving you.  A person that could love and care so much to never leave I believe every heart craves deeply.  The thought of someone walking with you even if you are dealing with the most painful sickness or most difficult of circumstance is something that I honestly can’t say that I have ever experienced in fullness. 

Praying for Miracles

“Hi, Forrest… What’s the matter mama?  I’m dying Forrest… Come on sit down over here.  Why are you dying mama?  It’s my time.  It’s just my time.  Don’t you be afraid sweetheart.  Death is just a part of life.  Something we’re all destined to do.  I didn’t know it, but I was destined to be your mama.  I did the best I could.  You did good, mama.  Well, I happen to believe you make your own destiny.  You have to do the best with what God gave you.  What’s my destiny mama?  You’re going to have to figure that out for yourself.  Life is a box of chocolate.  You never know what you’re gonna get.  Mama had a way of explaining things so I could understand them.  I will miss you, Forrest.  She had got the cancer and died on Tuesday.”  (Forrest Gump, 1994)

“I seldom ask for miracles, but today one would do, to have the front door open & see you walking through.  A million times I’ve missed you, a million times I’ve cried. If love alone could save you, you never would have died. In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still.  In my heart you hold a place that no one else could ever fill.  It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn’t go alone.  Part of me went with you the day God called you home.” Author Unknown

There are many things that I don’t understand.  One of them is death.  Another is suffering. 

I have read many books on pain and suffering.  They always bring some comfort and understanding, yet amidst the pain and struggle there is lack of connection.  I doubt that any scripture reference, book, or sermon would give me an understanding that would remove the sadness.  I nearly would question the authenticity of any pastor or Christian that claims that they fully understand death, suffering, or pain as if the emotions are separate from the event.

Some categorize all of it into simply God’s means of transforming us.  Is this true?  What about a small child born with severe disabilities?  What about young children suffering with cancer, or other severe illness?  What about someone that has never even known the meaning of health with a body that has always suffered?

Others, they claim that suffering and pain is a way that we can

Peace with God

“Still no shrimp Lieutenant Dan… How we gonna find them?  Maybe you should just pray for them?  So, I went to church every Sunday.  Sometimes, Lieutenant Dan came too but I think he left the praying up to me… still, no shrimp.  Where… is this God of yours?  It’s funny that Lieutenant Dan said that because right then God showed up… Now, me, I was scared, but Lieutenant Dan, he was mad!  You call this a storm… It’s time for a showdown!  You & Me.  I’m right here come and get me.  You’ll never sink this boat!… Hurricane Carmen came through here yesterday, destroying nearly everything in its path… in fact, only one shrimping boat has actually survived the storm… After that shrimping was easy… He never actually said so, but I think Lieutenant Dan made his peace with God.”  (Forrest Gump 1994)

Have you made your peace with God?  Often times, many of us enter into faith through reciting a salvation message.  Has this message changed your life?  Was this a heart change?  Or, was it driven by emotions later to only become head knowledge as the storms of life are faced and disappointments, confusion, and heartache seem to separate us from the love of Christ.

Our Christian walk is a series of ups, downs, and level grounds as God transforms our soul.  God made us not only as physical, spiritual, and intellectual beings but also emotional.  Our emotions matter to God.  They are a picture of the inner workings of our heart.  When I ignore my emotions and suffocate my heart in theological truth, I become dead absent feeling disabling God from using me in fullness and disconnecting me from His love.

 When tragedy is faced, I will feel emotions.  Recently, I was connected to a little 10 year old boy who was diagnosed with a brain tumor in January of 2009.  His parents prayed fervently believing in a miracle for their precious son.  They never stopped praying despite Luke’s suffering.  He suffered greatly and never found relief from this horrible illness dying just recently.  His parents are now experiencing great loss, sadness, and I’m sure at times maybe even anger and confusion.  All of these emotions are normal.  For them to move forward, these emotions must be given to God so that they can be at peace.  It is not an easy journey and though biblical truth can bring some comfort, the pain is still great.

Recently, on the radio, there was a story of a young high school girl who was involved in an automobile accident.  She was a soccer star.  Due to the accident,

Is Prayer Enough?

“I ran so far and so fast that pretty soon I was all by myself which was a bad thing.  Bubba was my best good friend.  I had to make sure he was okay.  On my way back to find Bubba, well there was this boy laying on the ground.  I couldn’t just let him lay there all alone scared there like he was so I grabbed him up and run him out of there.  Every time I went back to look for Bubba, someone else was saying, “Help me, Forrest!  Help Me!”  (Forrest Gump 1994)

As Christians, we are living in a battle field.  I may choose not to see the battles around me, but they exist.  I may choose to avoid responsibility taking a passive approach in prayer.  Is this really faith and following in the footsteps of Jesus?  Am I really seeking to hear God’s direction?  Do I merely report concerns and walk away closing my eyes when the very answer to the prayer may be me?

Yesterday, I received a prayer request for a 12 year old boy living in Chicago, Cornelius.  He is a cute little boy with a sparkle in his beautiful eyes.  He is in need of a kidney.  Each of us has 2 kidneys, yet doctors say that we only need 1.  I couldn’t help but wonder if everyone in his church went to the doctor to see if their kidney could be the answer to his prayers.  I couldn’t help but wonder if everyone that received the prayer request called the number to find out if they could save his precious life.  How do most of us respond?  Is this response guided by the love of Christ? 

Storms of Life

“One day it started raining and it didn’t quit for 4 months. We’ve been through every kind of rain there is. Little bit of stinging rain, big old fat rain, rain that flew in sideways and sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath. Shoot it even rained at night…  Forrest? Hey, Bubba. I’m gonna lean against you and you lean up against me.  This way we don’t have to sleep with our heads in the mud. You know why we’re a good partnership Forrest? ‘Cause we be watching out for one another. Like brothers and stuff.” (Forrest Gump 1994)

Have you ever been through a time in your life when it seemed the storms of life would never end and the rain would not stop? 

There are many circumstances that bring strong emotions of sadness, depression and hopelessness.  It could be a death of a loved one, serious illness, job loss, financial crisis, a disabling accident, divorce, or some other type of negative stressor that pushes us into a battle of the spirit and mind.  When these times come, where will you lean?