D37: Love

“When you’re dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. You roll outta bed and down on your knees, and for a moment you can hardly breathe.”   ― John Mayer

“All the most powerful emotions come from chaos -fear, anger, love- especially love. Love is chaos itself. Think about it! Love makes no sense. It shakes you up and spins you around.  And then, eventually, it falls apart.” ― Kirsten Miller, The Eternal Ones

“A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left.” – Marilyn Monroe

“Love is absolute loyalty. People fade, looks fade, but loyalty never fades. You can depend so much on certain people; you can set your watch by them. And that’s love, even if it doesn’t seem very exciting.” – Sylvester Stallone

“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. That’s what I hope to give you forever.” – The Notebook

What do you believe about love?  You can search and read a billion opinions, quotes, books, and much advise.  But, what is truth?  Is it as simple as a formula?

I love romantic comedies, or just plain romance movies.  When growing up as a little girl, well romance is in every fairy tale.  The beautiful girl is to be rescued by the man.  Then, in movies, love is found in less than 2.5 hours.  It would seem in real life it should be so easy.

My heart so desires to believe that love can last despite any obstacle.  With lasting love, hearts never turn cold, commitment remains, and that with time, the love only grows stronger.  I have seen it in a few.  When seen, it is beautiful.

Though, what I have seen in most including my life, love brings much pain.  Perhaps, it was never really love?  This I don’t really know for certain.  If it was real love, can it really ever be lost?  If you truly love someone, how would the love die?

Earlier today, I desired to write a post on dreams.  If anything was possible, what would I desire.  I felt much passion and closeness with God.  Then, reality came.  The reality is all that I was to write about sure it would be awesome.  It would create for fulfillment.  Yet, as the day progressed, the thoughts seemed to sink deeper with the question, “If you could have anything, is that what you would really want?  Is that really on the top of your list?”

Starting the day, the thoughts were in a place of safety.  The place of safety would include ministry, education, occupation, writing, and things that can be accomplished that are all signficant.  They put value in my life, and hopefully help others.  Yet, even with all of that, what is it that my heart really desires?

If I go to the core, it is the very place of weakness.  It is something that I can not accomplish or obtain.  It is romantic love.  Not just a feeling but real love.  There is nothing that I can do or say that can make another person love me.  There is nothing that I can do or say that can make a person desire me, commit to me, be loyal, and choose me.  It is something that I can not control.  I can not control the behavior of another.  Even if I do find love, I can not even control if the love will last or if pain will again find me.

Despite all the many possibilities that could be for my life, in reality, the one that has always been deepest to me is just wanting a family.  I still want a family.  I still desire that God restore what has been broken.  I desire a husband, and despite the lack of reality I have never fully let go the desire to have more children.  I can not create this.  I do not know if it is God’s Will.  It feels painful to my heart.  I want to let it go.

What do I believe about love?  I know that for many it can be beautiful.  I know that for many it can die.  I know that it can lead to great pain.  But, still, I think it is worthwhile to try to find.  Definitely, you will never find love if you quit.  The journey is the most painful journey of life.  For some, the journey is fulfilled in finding someone to share life with where real love is found and never lost.  I can’t think of anything greater to find in life than real love.