Fearful?

“Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:22-31 NIV)

Do you doubt?  Even those that walked with Jesus face to face doubted.  Following Jesus’ death, the disciples doubted as documented in Luke 24:37-39, “They were startled and frightened, thinking they saw a ghost. Jesus said to them, “Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds? Look at my hands and my feet. It is I myself! Touch me and see; a ghost does not have flesh and bones, as you see I have.” Later, Thomas doubts noted in John 20:26-27, “A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” Jesus is continually teaching to not fear, not doubt, and to walk in faith trusting in Him.

Where are the places of fear and doubt in your life?  Bring fear and doubt to Jesus.  He will bring you peace.  Jesus always replaces fear and doubt with faith, when we turn to Him for guidance and leading.  Jesus is all about walking forward on the path that He provides.  Do not allow your fear and doubt to bring stagnation.  To walk on water, focus must be on Jesus and it is required that there is movement out of the boat.

“…What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived”—  the things God has prepared for those who love him— these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.”  (1Corinthians 2:9-10a NIV)

 

Relationally Broken

I’ve had a lot of mean things said to me by men since returning single in 2005, met a lot of mean men, and have had a lot of hurtful experiences.  I often do not even believe that the men even have a clue the harm that their actions bring because they have been in the cycle so long, they accept it as being right and good and a natural part of life.  It is how the majority in the world live.

I recall this one man stating, “All you woman are the same.  There is really no difference.  Just different shapes, sizes and colors.  But, there is no difference.”  Some men refer to a woman like buying a car.  There is a need to test it all out.  If it physically works passing the test drive, perhaps the relationship can move to the next level.   Another man in our first meeting, “I was married for over 16 years.  Do you really expect me to be celibate?”  Then, there is the sweet words to draw the heart close with, “I really want to fall in love with you.”

I could go on and on and on, with hurtful statement after hurtful statement.  All of it with the basic common thread, that sex is the only value a woman has and apart from that there is no value.  I could likely write a book of the statements that men have said to me, and most within the first meeting, first conversation, and first moments.  Most of their desires are laid out before me even before they know who I am, or I even know who they are yet they want to know, “Will I fulfill their desires?”  Their desire for me is merely that I look appealing to the eye, to be used for their physical pleasure, and when the use is no longer needed, to walk away to the next woman to be used.

Sadly enough, the above statements and many more were all spoken by men that claimed to be Christian, were part of the church, some even serving in the church, yet their conviction as it came to the physical part of the relationship was none.  For all of them, a commitment wasn’t needed.  A marriage wasn’t needed.  A relationship wasn’t even needed.  All that was needed was the answer to the question, “Will I fulfill their need?”  And, what would I get in return?  Absolutely nothing but the privilege of being their next one.

It breaks my heart.  It breaks God’s heart.  I so wish that it did not exist especially within the walls of the church.  Sadly enough, for most of these men, they are very nice men.  I would not call them evil.  Some, I even cared about.  They have their own struggles, and are fed lies from Satan that sex is really enough.  The fact is sex doesn’t even satisfy them, and that is the reason that they must move on to the next one.  They never really learn love.  They never really learn how to love, honor, and cherish a woman.  They never really learn how to love a woman as Christ loves the church.  In fact, these men actually miss out on the greatest blessing in life which is to find love.  Until the cycle is broke, they will not find love.  And, unfortunately, until the cycle is broke, they will continue to hurt a ton of woman.  The thing is each of these men don’t even realize the many tears that they have brought, the hearts that they have broken, and the pain that was created.  Maybe, they realize a bit.  But, I think for most, they choose not to acknowledge it.  It is much easier to move to the next one, continue the search, look good in the church, yet remain with a longing heart.  I know that even for these men which have crossed my path in over the past 7 years, they have longing, pain, and unmet desires yet they seek to fulfill and heal the pain in the wrong way and it never is fulfilled.  Instead of breaking the cycle, they continue to search repeating what has already not worked for so many years.

Though, I can’t condemn the man.  Woman are just as broken.  We so desire a man to love us that we will sacrifice the very core of our value, believes, and heart’s desires, bringing pain to the heart of God, to attempt to win that man.  What will it take to win his love?  In so sacrificing to win the love of a man, we actually hurt the man by giving him what he craves yet not what he really needs and in the process the woman’s heart is also hurt deeply as her needs are not met and she rather becomes just another used commodity to be thrown away when no longer needed.  Both the man and woman are left in longing and unmet needs in a cycle of brokenness not honoring to God.  A man really needs a woman whose convictions are so strong that she will make the man pursue her in right ways.  If all woman held to convictions, the cycle would be broken for the man.  Yet, both men and women feed off of each other in a cycle of brokenness bringing pain to the world and filling the church with the same pain.  Why is it that we operate as we do?

Dear Jesus, please break the cycle.  Deliver men and woman from the pain that each of us create.  Help us to have healthy, holy relationships.  Rid the church of the sin of broken relationships and sexual immorality that is so prevalent.  Open the eyes of the leaders and pastors of churches to see the truth instead of living in blindness, and guide them to be healing agents so that restoration and health can come to the church.  Heal our hearts, and teach us to live God glorifying lives.  I know I am fallen, broken and sinful.  I so need more of You so that I do not fall into the desires of my flesh.  Protect me from anyone or anything that is not of You.  Help me to remain pure, and protect me from temptations.  Give me wisdom and draw me nearer to your love.  Help me not to be deceived.  Help me to see truth.  Help me to guard my heart.  Protect me from lies.

“Beware of false prophets who come disguised as harmless sheep but are really vicious wolves. You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? A good tree produces good fruit, and a bad tree produces bad fruit. A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. So every tree that does not produce good fruit is chopped down and thrown into the fire. Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions.”  (Matthew 7:15-20)

“Look, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. So be as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves.” (Matthew 10:16)

Counterfeit Blessings

“What will keep you from falling for counterfeit blessings (and there are plenty of them out there) is an intimate relationship with the Holy Spirit.  Proverbs 3:6  “Seek His will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”  ~~Singles Pleasing the Lord (www.singlespleasingthelord.com)

Enjoy this video:

D88: Equally Yoked

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said:  “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.”  Therefore, “Come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you.”And, “I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.”  (2Corinthians 6:14-18)

“Do not plant two kinds of seed in your vineyard; if you do, not only the crops you plant but also the fruit of the vineyard will be defiled.  Do not plow with an ox and a donkey yoked together.”  (Deuteronomy 22:9-10)

“They yoked themselves to the Baal of Peor and ate sacrifices offered to lifeless gods…”  (Psalm 106:28)

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”  (Galatians 5:1)

What does it mean to be equally yoked?  How about unequally yoked?

http://stevenjamesdixon.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-equally-yoked-2

http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/getting-married/choosing-a-spouse/equally-yoked-gods-perfect-plan

http://www.christian-marriage-today.com/equally-yoked.html

The above 3 articles are interesting, yet they do not go to the depth.  Perhaps, depth is not needed.  Often times I find in my desires, I just so much want God to give me what my heart desires and the wait feels long.  I feel the struggle and tension.  Through the past 7+ years of singleness, it seems many painful things have been spoken to my heart in search of that one to spend life with.

The designation of “Christian” is used broadly and vaguely by many, especially in the dating world.  Many will say that they are Christian yet they do not follow Christ at all.  Some of these many do not even attend church, yet they define themselves as a “Christian” because they are a “good” person of course by whatever definition of “good” is acceptable to them.  I long for the days of simplicity, actually before coming to know Christ, when it was so easy to connect.  Though, I have learned absent the ‘right’ connection on areas, the relationship will not be successful.  I have yet though to find success despite all that I have learned in the past 7+ years.  Success for me is defined as an end to singleness, and to find that right one to enjoy life with.  Dating, to me, feels like a revolving door of men in and out of my life.  Commitment lacks, and the energy consumed in the venture feels exhausting.  At times, it is enjoyed but mostly the process of it all is draining and I wish there was an end found even if that end found is my claiming singleness and stopping the attempt at dating.

Attending a recent class at a church, an interesting perspective was presented.  It was not just the concept of being ‘equally yoked’ in reference to not dating an unbeliever.  They expounded upon it to include that the equally yoked was in reference to more.  It is best that the 2 are equally yoked not just in their spiritual commitments and beliefs, but that they are also equally yoked in other areas of their life from finances, emotions, physical, intellectual, etc.  In given this additional thought, I believe this to be truth.  The concept is if one is not equally in the same place, the other drags and creates frustration pulling the other versus walking together in relationship.  Though, I have to say, the concept did not bring me any sort of relief as it seems it merely decreased the options of available men out there.   As well, on top of the ‘equally yoke’, there are the life circumstances that must be dealt with such as distance, children, exspouses, churches, jobs, and so much more that at a younger age rarely is a concern or worry.  Then, the added question, can you be ‘equally yoked’ and be opposites?  And, is it better to be with someone who is similar with similar interests, or an opposite wherein you compliment each other.  Sadly, there is not a formula in any of this.  I can find just as much research for and against the same thing.

In my mind sometimes, the desire is so great that I just want to work really hard to make it work finding anyone in hopes that with enough effort and time things will work out despite what may not fit perfectly together from the start.  Is anything really perfect anyway?  Isn’t love a choice?  In some ways, I think this is possible but in more ways it can just lead to disastrous consequences.  The truth is I’m not just looking for a man to grow old with, watch tv with, eat dinner with, and go on vacation with.  I’m looking for a man with similar passion for ministry as a significant part of our life.

Consider this portion of the article from http://www.christian-marriage-today.com/equally-yoked.html listed below:

The Believer and The Unbeliever – The Ox and the Donkey – Not Equally Yoked-

• The donkey is much faster than the ox.
• The ox is much stronger than the donkey.
• The donkey is more laid back with a self preserving nature.
• The ox is more sure-footed and less prone to injury during plowing.
• The donkey and the ox enjoy two different diets.
• The ox can pull longer and harder.
• The ox is territorial and doesn’t like it’s space invaded.

I know it is an example of animals, but it does have some interest.  Could the ox and the donkey really reside happily together absent any change?  Certainly, I think all would agree that there would be great frustration between the two animals, as well as building conflict in attempt to reside together in relationship living life.

Still, sadly, there is great complexity.  I would so welcome any comments on this subject, though I rarely to never ask for feedback on my blog.

In all honesty, I desire a relationship.  I desire a man in my life where we are just not living life together but there is a purpose.  I desire to love a man and for him to love me.  Yes, and I do desire to have more children despite my age of 42 which in my singleness pretty much dictates the mere impossibility of this becoming a reality.  In the waiting, I’ve let a lot go to God even in the possibility that maybe God desires me to remain single despite my heart.

In meetings, dating, some of my own error, sorting through this journey of singleness, pain has met my heart.  At this juncture, I just desire my place regardless of the man yet at the same time my heart still remains with the longing for that relationship.

How do you find someone equally yoked?  Do you sit in a church corner collecting dust in deep prayer and longing hoping to someday find that life to live?  That seems the least appealing to me, and really does not seem to be Christ.  Or, do you venture out, keep trying, keep allowing the pricks of the heart to cause pain searching, looking, longing, and being disappointed to continue to hope that one day that one will be found?  The process is exhausting and in all reality, I’m ready for it to end even if that means never finding the one.

Is singleness a disease to be treated and a cure found?  Certainly, it is not.  Though, I do know I need a purpose in my singleness if I’m going to remain living alone to avoid loneliness and just merely surviving the day does not appear to glorify God.  Yet, just not anyone will do.  The man has to be a gift from God, and for there to be a purpose in that relationship.  Waiting is hard when it is not even known, “What is God’s Will for me?”

D81: Be Still

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;  God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;  he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come and see what the Lord has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields with fire.
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

(Psalm 46)

Be still and know that I am God.  Stillness… am I still?

God, I don’t know my future… in that quiet gentle voice, Jesus says, “Be still.  Do you know how much I love you?  I know your future.”

God, I am so lonely… in that quiet gentle voice, Jesus says, “Be still.  Do you know how much I love you?  I am your companion and lover of your soul.”

God, my burdens are many.  The day’s stress is much… in that quiet gentle voice, Jesus says, “Be still.  Do you know how much I love you?  I am your strength.  Why are you carrying what you were never meant to carry?  Give it to me.”

God, there is so much that I don’t know.  There is so much that I don’t understand.  What is my purpose?… in that quiet gentle voice, Jesus says, “Be still.  Do you know how much I love you?  I know all things.  Why do you consume your mind with worries and things that I have already taken care of?”

God, I am heartbroken.  Sometimes, the pain is just so deep.  There is so much in my life that is so different from what I thought it would be.  I am so sensitive, at times too emotional, and my heart so desires to love and be loved.  It is really difficult to not feel that from another person.  I know your enough, but I so desire to have a man in my life.  That person that will live life with me, cherish me, love me, and for whom I can do the same… in that quiet gentle voice, Jesus says, “Be still.  Do you know how much I love you?  I know your heart’s desires.  Do you trust me?  Do you love me?”

God, my finances are a mess.  There is so much that I can not control.  You know how hard I work.  You know how much I desire to give, and how debt and legal battles are burdensome… in that quiet gentle voice, Jesus says, “Be still.  Do you not know how much I love you?  I am the author of all things.  All in the world is mine.  Do you know that I have a plan?  Will you trust in me?  You need not carry this burden.  Will you give it to me and allow me to show you the way?”

God, you are such an Awesome and Holy God.  Sometimes, I am so disappointed in myself.  I want to do things the right way.  In my struggles, sometimes I choose wrong.  I can make a mess of things.  I so desire your love.  Do you forgive me for when I fail you?… in that quiet gentle voice, Jesus says, “Be still.  Do you know how much I love you?  I have taken your sin even before the day of your creation.  I love you so much.  I carried all of that pain on the cross.  Why are you allowing for condemnation?  You are my child, dearly and completely loved.  You have not failed me.  Come to me and I will always forgive you.  Follow me, and I will make your path straight.  Do you not know how much I love you?  My ways are perfect, true and beautiful.  I give good gifts.  Why do you accept so much less than what I desire to give to you?  There are far greater blessings found when you walk with me.  Do you now know how much I love you, desire to protect you, and want to make you whole and complete in me?”

God, I could continue.  I have not trusted in you.  I have carried burdens that were never meant for me to carry.  I have stressed, worried, and allowed my spirit to become drained versus turning to you.  I have not lived in the freedom that you desire me to live… in that quiet gentle voice, Jesus says, “Be still.  Do you not know how much I love you?  You are forgiven.  Walk in my ways.  Will you love me with your entire mind, heart, and soul?  Will you trust in me?  My ways are perfect.  I give good gifts.  I will restore, rebuild and make all things beautiful.  Will you love and trust in me?  Be still, and know that I am God.”

D55: Singleness

I entered the single life, with much passion, and on fire for Christ.  I thought I was strong, yet was very ignorant to my weaknesses or the reality of the world.  Quite ironically, for the couple of years prior to my divorce, I had focused on allowing God to deal with “me” though my goal at the time was this would lead to my marriage being restored and things being made right. I didn’t know that God was actually strengthening me so that I could endure many years to be single.

2005 was the most difficult year. Within one week of my divorce, a friend who I had been praying for healing dies of brain cancer. Within a week, I would be divorced. Within several months, my church family would be destroyed which was signficant. My church family was my strength. I would be wiped clean absent a husband, living in a new apartment alone, absent a church family to support me during the transition, and much that I didn’t know would be faced.  I was very alone, absent any nearby family.

I struggled during prayers for my friend who was dying, as her husband was not Christian. Yet, here was a man who was willing to do absolutely anything for just one more day with his wife. My husband claimed Christ yet he had moved on. His heart was elsewhere.  This struggle was painful to my heart.  I felt very alone.  My focus easily shifted to my son, which was much easier to adjust to than any focus on my needs.

Mostly, the past 7+ years has been focused on my son making sure that he had everything that he needed.  I do not have any regrets in this.  Though, I do have regrets that I never considered the things that I needed.  I’m not saying this to be selfish, but part of being a parent is also teaching your child more than just providing for their needs.  A child likes to see their parent happy, fulfilled, and not just surviving the day.  Life has so much to balance as a single parent, I do not know how I could have changed things differently to allow for my life to be lived more than it has.   Though, I wish Brandon would have experienced more fun in the past years than I have provided.  I’ve given him many opportunities.  Yet, sometimes, I think I gave him far too much structure.

God has taught me a lot in the past 7+ years, yet I continue to struggle, and I certainly have not mastered ‘singleness’ by any measure.  For me to write a post in attempt to provide any answers for the single parent or the divorced, well it seems my answers would be few apart from one simple solution, “Do your best, and when it’s hard, focus on Christ.”

I entered singleness very naive to the world.  To me, marriage was safe and secure.  I really never dated so much apart from a few relationships in high school.  I never really dated, but rather just had steady relationships.  And, being married very young, entering a world of singleness, I just lacked wisdom and reality.  I know most single people after a divorce regardless if they have children or not, they revert back to the party scene to let off steam.  I didn’t want to go back to the past, but really just always wanted the stable place.  Singleness does not feel stable.

The most difficult transition was being alone at night absent anyone near.  I found some comfort in online, and being a writer, it was easy to connect to strangers.  Though, this was not very safe.  I learned things the hard way faced with 2 situations that were really bad and hurtful.  I was naive and stupid.  I asked all the right questions to filter yet there is not a filter.  I didn’t realize that just because someone says something that doesn’t mean that is really who they were.  I would have men redo their entire online profile to fit mine.  It felt like a tremendous manipulation online in sharing.  In one singles site, I could see how communication with me was much different from others.  It felt like ongoing heartbreak communicating with so many people absent that one person who could just be focus.  This has always been a struggle in singleness.  It is the fact that you shouldn’t care.  To not feel jealousy or heartbreak, you have to be able to communicate with many people, committed to no one, and always be able to move on absent any attachments.  This has never been possible for me despite some effort so the effort was ended after not much time.

I found the church to be a very lonely place.  It seemed in my single state, I was somehow separated from the married folks.  And, at times, I felt that I was perceived as a threat.  Also, in transitions to find the right church, I had several experiences with married men trying to pick me up which was heartbreaking.  Because I’m single, now I am perceived as absent any moral compass.

I struggled with the fact of how others viewed me as “divorced” especially in consideration that prior to my divorce I felt called into the ministry.  Does this mean I no longer have a calling because of my new status?  This is still a struggle.  Why did God allow all this to happen?  Yet, I’m reminded that God does use everything for His glory so in time His plan will become more clear.

Life just became really difficult as a single parent.  There wasn’t much time for anything.  For the most part, when my son was small, I had him all the time.  So, it was rare for a break.  There was school, sport activities, scouts, school functions, and then also having to balance with my full-time work schedule, household duties, and errands.  It seemed nonstop.  Plus, always, there is much financial strain getting through the debt of divorce and providing for the needs of a child as well as my own needs.

In the lonely times, there was much struggle.  Mostly, I missed sharing with a person.  I missed someone there to help me out.  As years went on, I think I really just learned to balance everything, going in fix it mode, and gave up on companionship.  I don’t know how I could have done it all better.  I know many that move on quickly, and things work out much more simple.  This didn’t happen for me.  Maybe, this is because my focus was more on my son versus me which I think has and should always be my priority.

I don’t know necessarily that I would do anything different these past years.  I know I didn’t realize how hard it would be, and I thought starting all over would be so much easier and happen so much faster.  If you asked me in 2005, I would have estimated within 2-3 years I would be remarried with a new family.  I certainly would have never thought that I’d still be single after all this time.

What has God taught me through all of this?   As I think on that question, I know it is so much easier to live life raising children in a healthy marriage.  I’ve been in discussions with so many over the years as they are in the midst of deciding to end their marriage.  My heart always aches deeply just wanting to convince them with the statement, “It is really so hard to be alone.  It would be much easier to work on your marriage and deal with the issues.  Don’t choose this path!”  I share, yet there has not been one that did not choose the route of divorce.

Through these many years, God has taught me to turn to him more.  I’ve seen how in many ways I’ve elevated a “man” in my life above God.  A man can not fulfill my every need or supply all my happiness.  I’ve learned to focus on God.  God has taught me much in my work ministry, on the leadership team, and with my writing for others.  Yet, in all honesty, I am humbled every day.  As much as I now turn more to Christ and I’ve come such a long way, still I struggle with letting things go and fully trusting God with the future.

God has taught me that I really need others in my life.  This is a huge struggle of mine.  I always feel like I can do it all on my own.  I’ll help others, when in reality a lot of times I’m the one that needs the help.  These past couple years feeling the exhaustion of attempting to do so much for so long, I’ve realized that I do really need help and others in my life.  God never intended for any of us to carry is all alone.  He’ll let us carry it, but eventually we will get so drained and burnt out that we’ll have no option but to drop the load.  I’ve come to that point.  Despite all that I can see needing fixing, I can’t fix anything.  God will have to be my provider, providing for all of my needs physical, emotional, financial, etc.  It seems more natural to try so hard to fix things, but it just doesn’t work.  I wish I would have learned this earlier because my life would have been so much easier to live all these years if I would have let go far sooner.

In humility, I’ve learned that I do not have all the answers.  I don’t think I ever really thought I did have the answers.  Yet, I’m really sure I don’t have all of them now.  Even with knowing the truth and my heart’s desire, I still fall and need so much more of Christ in my life.

I’ve learned that divorce is very hard.  I’ve heard so many stories over the years.  I’ve listened to so much heartbreak of others.  I’ve learned that marriage is very hard.  Yet, amidst it all, God still keeps healthy marriages around me to encourage me that though it is very hard, it is very possible to have a healthy marriage which keeps the longing alive.

I’ve learned so much about me.  I’ve learned good, and bad.  I’ve come to the reality of the brokenness of my marriage, and past relationships, and God has revealed to me those places that are in need of his healing.  I’ve learned that I can survive absent a man in my life.  Despite as much as I try, I will always have struggles and this is okay.  All of us have places of weakness, and also those of strength.  We need each other.

I’ve seen God move powerfully, felt his presence and leading, and seen awesome things happen.  I’ve learned to be more open, and despite none being successful, I’ve learned a lot from every meeting with a stranger, every relationship attempt, all communication online, and even that which is attempted today.  I could likely write several books on so much of the process of it all, though even in that, each of our experiences will be so different as each of us need transformation in differing ways.

I think likely the most important thing that I have learned is to appreciate the need for brokenness.  We are all broken.  I’m not perfect, and none of us are.  Even in those that have brought me hurt, I’ve seen humanness.  I’ve seen the reality of each of our journeys.  At times, our journey intersects and our life touches another.  I learned that for every relationship, even if just a mere moment or acquaintance, there is a purpose in it.  God has people cross our paths to teach us.  Sometimes, a new person will tempt us.  Other times, the new person will reveal places of inaccuracy needing more of Christ.  Sometimes, the person will confirm all that God is doing and encourage us on this journey.  Sometimes, the person is there just to give us more love and grace.  All times, each person is there for a reason despite if the experience is good or bad.

I’ve received so much teaching about singleness from ministries, read many relationship books, and analyzed the correct and right ways to move forward.  I’ve learned that relationships can not be put into a formula.  Sure, it is helpful to read, be taught, and learn.  Yet, real learning is putting the information into practice.  There is only so much information that a mind can hold and then the questions becomes, “Now what are you going to do?”

I’ve especially learned that as much scripture as I can possibly know, as many prayers as I can possibly pray, and as many times as I can ask for prayer, I still will fall at times.  Even in my best effort, I do not live singleness to perfection and never will.  Likely the greatest thing that I have learned out of my singleness is the value of relationships, whether that be friendship or romantic.  When married, I don’t think I valued my husband and his presence as much as I should have and I’m sure I didn’t love him to the extent that I should have.  Being absent a husband, there is far more value realizing how very treasured this gift is to life.  And, being in singleness with so much time alone, I really value and treasure the times when a connection with others is made and the effort to make these connections is far greater since I’ve been single.

Though, that being said, if it wasn’t singleness with its struggles, I would need to learn how to walk the marriage walk.  That as well would not be an easy journey, though a benefit is I know that I am not entering in blindly as when I was so young.  I know and treasure even greater the significance of the union, and I know and see how beautiful this relationship can be through others that God has kept in my life.  The fact is there is not an easy journey to life.  The reality is one simple questions, “Am I doing my best to love others and follow Christ despite the circumstances of my life?”

Then, to spin-off of that, “Am I really living my life?”  I can be religious and often that is the safest place to live confined in the boundaries of the church walls.  But, being religious leads to pride and it really does not put into practice teaching.  To really live out faith, I have to live.  I have to be in the world.  I have to be experiencing life.

Regardless if I remain single or someday find myself remarried, my desire is to live my life in the best way that I can so that I am loving others and being led by Christ.  There isn’t a life journey that is easy.  But, life is too short to not live regardless of one’s status.  Real living life involves risk.  Am I willing to risk to truly live?  Am I willing to risk to truly love again?  The desire is to answer both with a “YES”.  How about you?

D48: Lust

“Love begins with an image; lust with a sensation.”  ~~Mason Cooley

“Lust is what keeps you wanting to do it even when you have no desire to be with each other. Love is what makes you want to be with each other even when you have no desire to do it.”  ~~Judith Viorst

“In my experience lust only ever leads to misery. All that suspicion and jealousy and anguish it unleashes. I don’t want those things in my life.”  ~~Chrissie Hynde

“The more we are filled with thoughts of lust the less we find true romantic love.”  ~~Douglas Horton

“When you feel a connection, a gut connection, a heart connection, it’s a very special thing. What’s familiar to everyone is watching people falling in love; it doesn’t happen on screen that often. People fall in lust, then they’re suddenly together.”  ~~Alfre Woodard

My heart has always craved love.  Perhaps, I’m naive or maybe it is stupidity.  I don’t know that I can say in all honesty that I have ever experienced love.

Did it begin with my father?  A dad is to protect his little girl, and not allow any harm.  My dad didn’t protect me, but brought me harm.  He didn’t teach me what healthy love looks like from a man.  He modeled unhealthiness.  He was the first man who I would kiss, not to my desire.  His touch was not appropriate.  I am set out into a world, unknowing what real love is to be.  I am set out in the world, searching, attempting to find what I have never experienced or seen.

My mind shifts to many man experiences in my past.  I remember the faces, the touches, the words spoke, and the feelings.

The thing with lust is it is a mirage of love.  Initially, it appears as love.  It lacks substance.  In many ways, it is the bait to catch but it later destroys and damages.  It does not glorify God, nor does it magnify the beauty of Christ.  It depletes the worth and value of another to fulfill selfish desires.  There is no care, concern, or protection.  Lust causes a person to be used, to later be thrown away, and discarded as insignificant.  There is no longevity in lust.  With changed hearts, perhaps lust can be shattered and love found.

Since returning single, unfortunately I’ve experienced lust often.  It is an ugly spirit.  I see this man, who speaks all the perfect right words, and having the most gentle of touch, suddenly begin to appear different.  I see the change in his eyes.  I feel the change in his touch.  The pain in my heart aches with lust.

Always, in the midst of lust, sweet words are spoken to attempt to draw the person in and distract to trick the mind that there is safety and the other can be trusted.  It’s a tangling web that leads to much sadness.  Lust is scary.  It is control, pain, and demanding.  Lust makes a person feel trapped.  It hurts.

Unfortunately, there is far more lust in the world.  It is in advertisements, movies, and much.  The world needs more love.

Though, also, in all honesty, I have to take responsibility for my own lustful behaviors.  As a woman, when my heart so desires to be loved, I can manipulate and create lust hoping for it to become love.  Lust is the fast food imitation of love.  It lacks nutrition and will make the person sick with time.  Lust takes far less risk for the one that is operating under its direction.  Though, to truly love another, this is really opening up the heart to be fully known.  Love requires risk, takes time, yet endures, fulfills, and uplifts.

D47: Expectations

What a girl desires….

In every girl’s heart, from the moment of time, it is ingrained that somewhere out there in this big world there is this very awesome man.  He is very cute, sexy, smart, muscular, sensitive, and yep pretty awesome!  Somehow, down deep in every girl’s heart, there is this weakness that states, “I need this man to complete me.”  Apart from finding this man, I am lacking.  So, the search begins and continues.

The girl’s heart is reminded over and over of the substance of the man.  He basically rescues her from anything bad and from all pain.  She is the damsel in distress, and along he comes to bring fulfillment, joy, love, and completeness.  In his arms, she melts.  Yep, she really does.

The fairy tale is deeply ingrained within the heart of the girl.  The desire is to find real love.  This special man who will never leave her side.  He’ll be there through every step of life.  For when he finds her, she is the most beautiful.  His eyes will never look away to another because he has already found beauty.  His heart will never slip away because he is completely and fully devoted to her and no other in faithfulness.  When she finds him, they are one from every day forward.  There is security, peace, depth of love, romance, and completeness.

What is reality….

Reality is what the girl finds.  The reality is normally that the girl’s expectations are so extremely perfect for the man that if he were ever to find her, he likely would fail to be able to bring her any love.  She is looking for something more than the man can deliver.  He is only human.  He can never fulfill her every need.  He is frustrated feeling inferior knowing that he can never fulfill the expectations before him.  There is this high standard to live up to which is pressure.  I have to provide, rescue, be strong, confident, have all the answers, and know exactly what to do and when to do it.  With that thought, he is left feeling unable and likely some fear.  What if I fail?

The real desire…

Each of us desires to be wanted, loved, appreciated for the person that God created us to be, accepted, given grace, and allowed the freedom to live.  I think if you can find that in another person to share life with, where you both become better people because of each other, that this is very glorifying to Christ.  Yet, how is it that you continue to live as an individual yet also a couple?  How is it that you do not lose self in the process?  How is it that expectations are realistic?  How is it that you truly love another in the process of it all so that hearts are not broken?  How do you truly become best friends choosing to love and journey through life together?  I think it is every person’s desire, yet something that few find in a relationship that is able to sustain the test of time.

D37: Love

“When you’re dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. You roll outta bed and down on your knees, and for a moment you can hardly breathe.”   ― John Mayer

“All the most powerful emotions come from chaos -fear, anger, love- especially love. Love is chaos itself. Think about it! Love makes no sense. It shakes you up and spins you around.  And then, eventually, it falls apart.” ― Kirsten Miller, The Eternal Ones

“A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left.” – Marilyn Monroe

“Love is absolute loyalty. People fade, looks fade, but loyalty never fades. You can depend so much on certain people; you can set your watch by them. And that’s love, even if it doesn’t seem very exciting.” – Sylvester Stallone

“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. That’s what I hope to give you forever.” – The Notebook

What do you believe about love?  You can search and read a billion opinions, quotes, books, and much advise.  But, what is truth?  Is it as simple as a formula?

I love romantic comedies, or just plain romance movies.  When growing up as a little girl, well romance is in every fairy tale.  The beautiful girl is to be rescued by the man.  Then, in movies, love is found in less than 2.5 hours.  It would seem in real life it should be so easy.

My heart so desires to believe that love can last despite any obstacle.  With lasting love, hearts never turn cold, commitment remains, and that with time, the love only grows stronger.  I have seen it in a few.  When seen, it is beautiful.

Though, what I have seen in most including my life, love brings much pain.  Perhaps, it was never really love?  This I don’t really know for certain.  If it was real love, can it really ever be lost?  If you truly love someone, how would the love die?

Earlier today, I desired to write a post on dreams.  If anything was possible, what would I desire.  I felt much passion and closeness with God.  Then, reality came.  The reality is all that I was to write about sure it would be awesome.  It would create for fulfillment.  Yet, as the day progressed, the thoughts seemed to sink deeper with the question, “If you could have anything, is that what you would really want?  Is that really on the top of your list?”

Starting the day, the thoughts were in a place of safety.  The place of safety would include ministry, education, occupation, writing, and things that can be accomplished that are all signficant.  They put value in my life, and hopefully help others.  Yet, even with all of that, what is it that my heart really desires?

If I go to the core, it is the very place of weakness.  It is something that I can not accomplish or obtain.  It is romantic love.  Not just a feeling but real love.  There is nothing that I can do or say that can make another person love me.  There is nothing that I can do or say that can make a person desire me, commit to me, be loyal, and choose me.  It is something that I can not control.  I can not control the behavior of another.  Even if I do find love, I can not even control if the love will last or if pain will again find me.

Despite all the many possibilities that could be for my life, in reality, the one that has always been deepest to me is just wanting a family.  I still want a family.  I still desire that God restore what has been broken.  I desire a husband, and despite the lack of reality I have never fully let go the desire to have more children.  I can not create this.  I do not know if it is God’s Will.  It feels painful to my heart.  I want to let it go.

What do I believe about love?  I know that for many it can be beautiful.  I know that for many it can die.  I know that it can lead to great pain.  But, still, I think it is worthwhile to try to find.  Definitely, you will never find love if you quit.  The journey is the most painful journey of life.  For some, the journey is fulfilled in finding someone to share life with where real love is found and never lost.  I can’t think of anything greater to find in life than real love.

D32: Snow

Last night, as I was leaving to go home, I look outside and to my surprise the ground is covered in white sparkles.  This morning, when I woke up, it is snowing again.  As I took my two little dogs outside, my spirit felt comforted.  There was peacefulness, newness, and beauty.  I could look outside with the gently flowing flakes slowly coming down and calmness is felt.  The snow seems to quiet the world, and bring beauty.

I remember many happy moments in the snow growing up.  I was always so excited for snow.  Going outside to make a snowman, snow angels, or to have snow ball fights with my brothers and sisters was a great time.  Snow brought fun.

When Brandon, my son, was born this childlike wonder of the snow continued.  I would play with him in the snow.  We would put out food for the squirrels and birds and watch from the window as they would gather in our backyard.  Snow created the background to so much beauty.

Though, in reality, snow is much more.  With it, comes ice, cold, and not always something good.  I remember many times having long journeys home on the drive home from work with my car slipping and sliding in the snow with my muscles tensing in attempt to avoid an accident.  Or, walking very slowly attempting not to slip on the ice that sometimes gathers underneath the fresh snow upon the ground.  The coldness of the snow can’t remain in contact for too long absent the need to leave its presence to retreat inside to a nice hot cup of hot chocolate.

In reality, snow reminds me much of love.  Love is beautiful.   To feel close to someone is magical.  The attachment felt of someone near is powerful.  To let oneself go absent worry in the arms of another is very scary.  With it comes, the feelings and thoughts of past loves lost and the pain of heartbreak quickly bring reminders of the feelings of failed love.  The initial feelings and experiences of anything leading to love, if allowed to happen, can easily turn to the tensing of muscles, the building of walls, and the blocking out of love in attempt to avoid heart-break retreating not making it possible to ever really find love.

Dear Jesus, You know all the feelings in my mind now.  Help me not to think today.  Help me to see your beauty, magic, and feel Your love.  Help me not to have fear.  I can’t even explain all my emotion, thoughts, and feeling at this moment.  Help me to enjoy so many things that this day is sure to bring.  I thank You that You are an Awesome and Powerful God.  And, I thank You that You desire us to live in freedom and complete knowledge of Your love.  Amen

D31: This

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”  (Proverbs 16:9)

How did I get where I am today?  Did I plan this?

I didn’t plan to get born into the birth family where I was raised.  I didn’t plan to be a female, or white, or my nationality.  I didn’t plan to be born in the United States.  I didn’t plan to have most of the experiences that I have had.  I didn’t choose my occupation.  I didn’t plan to have only one child.  I didn’t plan to have my son when I had him.  I didn’t plan marriage, or divorce.  I didn’t plan ahead of time which men I would be dating, meeting, or put in my life at certain times.  I didn’t plan the friendships that came into my life over the years.  I didn’t plan what church I would be a part of, or what spiritual influences would be in my life.  I didn’t sit down with a pad of paper and plan what giftings or talents I would have and choose what I felt was best for me.  I didn’t plan who my brothers and sisters would be.  I didn’t plan where I would live, or the car that I would drive.  I really didn’t even plan that I’d buy a dog or now have two.  I didn’t plan to get married again, and I didn’t plan to get divorced again.  I certainly didn’t plan to be a single mom for the past over 7 years.  I didn’t plan to work so hard.  I didn’t plan to be in litigation with my exhusband after over 7 years being divorced.  I didn’t plan debt.  I didn’t plan job change.  I didn’t plan promotions.  I didn’t plan most of the blessings in my life.  It seems as I look back, there are a lot of things that I have planned but there are much more that I never planned at all.  I may have thought of things I may like, contemplate certain things, and attempt to walk in that direction of my heart’s desire.  But, even something as simple as buying a little puppy dog, I can’t plan what puppies will be in the store when I arrive and which one will jump up on my lap stealing my heart away.  In reality, there isn’t much that I can plan.  I can make plans, but as I’m walking them out, a lot of them take me in a totally different direction than ever intended.

In it all, I can allow myself to fall into self pity, “I didn’t want this.  This isn’t what I signed up for!”  Or, instead, I can choose to see the hand of God in my life.  I can choose to see where I have failed, and take responsibility for poor choices.  I can choose to give God thanks and praise Him for rescuing me from so many disasters.  I can choose to thank God for so many blessings that I never even asked for.  I can choose to look at my life and in looking back say, “Okay, really, this isn’t what I wanted but this is where I am.  Where is God in this?  Where is He leading me?”  Or, I can choose to hold tightly to my life as if I can control what will or will not happen.  The choice I make determines will I hold tightly to what isn’t really mine to hold onto, or will I freely release my grip and let go to God in praise and thankfulness knowing that He knows best, choose to live in freedom trusting God, and simply speak, “God all I have is Yours.  Nothing really belongs to me.  My life is Yours.  My future is Yours.  You are not just my Savior, but You are Lord of my life.  I don’t know what is best, but You do.  Reveal Your truth to me.  Rid my mind, heart and soul from everything and anything that burdens me, or anything that is not of You.  Cleanse me and give me Your thoughts, and eyes to see what You see.  Teach me to let go and let You guide and lead my life.  Teach me to really live versus the alternative.  I don’t want the alternative.  The alternative is allowing this world to control my life which only results in burdens and stress.  Teach me about Your beauty, Your peace, Your love, Your rest, and the path You would have for me.”  Right now, that is my prayer to my Loving Father God, my Savior Jesus Christ, and my Lord of my life.

“Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  (Matthew 11:29-30)

“This” ~~Darius Rucker

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjKFb-4t_vg

Got a baby girl sleeping in my bedroom And her mama laughing in my arms

There’s the sound of rain on the rooftop And the game’s about to start
I don’t really know how I got here But I’m sure glad that I did

And it’s crazy to think that one little thing Could’ve changed all of it
Maybe it didn’t turn out like I planned

Maybe that’s why I’m such, such a lucky man

[Chorus]

For every stoplight I didn’t make

Every chance I did or I didn’t take

All the nights I went too far

All the girls that broke my heart

All the doors that I had to close

All the things I knew but I didn’t know

Thank God for all I missed Cause it led me here to This

Like the girl that I loved in high school

Who said she could do better

Or that college I wanted to go to ‘Til I got that letter
All the fights and the tears and the heartache I thought I’d never get through

And the moment I almost gave up

All lead me here to you
I didn’t understand it way back when

But sitting here right now it all makes perfect sense
[Repeat Chorus]
How I cried when my mama passed away

But now I’ve got an angel looking out for me today

So nothing’s a mistake
[Repeat Chorus]
It led me here to This

D30: Remember

“Remember When”

~~Alan Jackson (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTA2buWlNyM)

Remember when I was young and so were you and time stood still and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I,  We made love and then you cried
Remember when

Remember when we vowed the vows  and walked the walk
Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
 We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when

Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each other’s hearts
Remember when

Remember when the sound of little feet  was the music
We danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we’d never give it up
Remember when

Remember when thirty seemed so old
 Now lookn’ back it’s just a steppin’ stone
To where we are,
Where we’ve been
Said we’d do it all again
Remember when
Remember when we said when we turned gray
When the children grow up and move away
We won’t be sad, we’ll be glad
For all the life we’ve had
And we’ll remember when

I think the fairy tale goes something like this…. You’re young.  You meet this perfect someone.  They are very sexy and cute.  Somehow, you just connect.  You laugh, and love to spend time together.  Life has no worries.  Life is an adventure of possibilities.  Love is found, and it is never to be lost.

In this love found, something beautiful is created.  A family is formed.  Children, and more love.  There are more memories.  Always, there is love.

Though, as most of us would know, life doesn’t always turn out that you fall in love and it remains until the end.  And, for some, love for some reason is never found.  When do you give up?  Does a person give up on the dream?  Does a person give up on love?

Each of our remember when’s…. they are actually all very different.  Maybe, there needs to be a new song for a lot of us.  Maybe, that new song isn’t anything about “Remember When?”  But, instead, maybe the old love can be forgotten because it was never really any good anyway.

Is it good to forget?  Don’t we learn from the past?  I’m not really sure at this moment.  But, somewhere in remember when things just don’t end in beauty, maybe remember isn’t as important as moving forward.

In first meetings, dating, always there are the questions.  The questions of the past.  The questions that dig up regret.  The questions that reveal answers that for the most part are no longer relatable.  So many years ago, and today, well I’m this new person.

All these “Remember When’s”, well they help to create who I am now.  But, me now is not me then.

So, what is the new song?  For me, and for many that I know, I don’t think it is remembering………. I’ll be 42 in March.  Yes, I come with a past.  But, even greater is that I come with a future.  My grandma is full of life at the age of 93.  My great grandma lived to be 101.  In reality, with these genes, I have more of my life to live in the future than I ever had in my past.

I desire a new song.  Yet, I’m not sure the title and I’m not even sure of the lyrics.  I have more than half of my life to live.  The only thing I’m sure of is I desire God to write my new song, and for His beauty, love, and presence to be revealed in my life.

“He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.”  (Psalm 40:2-3)

“Sing to the Lord a new song,
    for he has done marvelous things;
his right hand and his holy arm
    have worked salvation for him.
The Lord has made his salvation known
    and revealed his righteousness to the nations.
He has remembered his love
    and his faithfulness to Israel;
all the ends of the earth have seen
    the salvation of our God.”  (Psalm 98:1-3)

D22: Loneliness

“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.” 
―    Jane Austen,    Sense and Sensibility

I sat down with a clear mind.  But, as I began to write, my mind becomes frazzled.  My thoughts are many.

I feel tired.  Today, coming home from work, I just felt lonely.  Now, I am not alone tonight.  My son, Brandon, is home with me.

I miss intimacy in my life.  My failing and my fault is in my loneliness it is so difficult to reach out for God.  My first thought is I want a man in my life.

With that thought, I want to reach out to a man.  I believe that God desires me to reach out to Him as my first love.

It is difficult.  But, why should it be?  Why shouldn’t my first thought in loneliness be to reach out to God.

I desire a man to hold me, to be near, to listen, to care and to love me.  I desire his touch, carress, and warmth.  I desire the comfort of having another near to me.  I feel alone, but it isn’t just that.  I feel loneliness.

Then, I feel guilty that I’m lonely.  I shouldn’t be lonely with such a strong intimate relationship with Christ.

This is an ongoing struggle.  I desire God to be everything to me.  I do desire and want more of Him.  I came to only one conclusion this evening, I don’t just want more of God.  I need more of God.  The fact of the matter being is if I don’t have more of God, I’ll seek after other things for fulfillment and the longing in my heart.  And, the places that cause the loneliness are the very places that only Christ can fill.

I really do desire more of Christ in my life.  I do desire a man in my life.  I do desire the man to be a strong man of God, full of the presence of Christ, and one that will draw me nearer to Christ’s love.  I know for this man to come into my life, I must first have more of Christ.  Otherwise, I seek man to meet the needs that I have that only Christ can fulfill.  God can answer my prayer to make me not alone, but only Christ can remove the loneliness deep within my heart.  This spot was only meant for His fulfillment.  Even having a relationship, someday getting remarried, if Christ is not fulfilling my loneliness, I will forever be lonely deep down in the inner depths of my soul.  It is a place that only Christ can fill bringing fulfillment by His presence.

I do know that as I am filled more with the presence of Christ and grow nearer to Him, that He’ll provide for all other needs.

Jesus, I seek You for fulfillment.  Please help me to experience more of Your love and presence.  Remove my loneliness and fill me with more of You.  Protect me and help me not to seek people or places that would take me from Your Will for my life.  Amen.

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”  (Mark 12:30)

D18: Nap

“Think what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milk about three o’clock every afternoon and then lay down on our blankets for a nap.”  (Barbara Jordan)

When I was in kindergarten, we would have nap time.  We would all get our mat, and have to lay down for a nap after snack.  I remember hating this time.  I would lie on my back and feel so restless.

Now, I wish I had to take a nap every day.  I wish that there was someone to care about me to instruct me knowing the stress that I feel and caring for my well-being to allow me to take a break.  Sometimes, I believe the ability to merely rest would solve most worries, stress, pressure, sadness, depression, and pain.  The world expects too much, and often the body is not capable needing a break.  It is too much.

It would be wonderful if God would instruct during each day to take a nap.  I can imagine Jesus walking in my cubicle with a mat holding out His hand to guide me away as He tenderly states, “It’s time.”  First he would hand me some juice (He knows I don’t like milk), and some sort of good snack.  Then, he would lead me to a place of quiet, peace, and solitude.

He would lead me out of the craziness of my workplace.  He would lead me out of the negativity.  He would lead me away from the suppression, stress, and pressure.

I would follow Him so quickly taking His hand resting assured in His presence that He has it covered.  He would lead me to the perfect peaceful place.  As I lay down, He would be so near holding me.  His arms around me would bring comfort.  I would know that I am not alone.  I would feel His love, His security, and His protection.  I would know that He is my Provider and I need not stress.  I need not work so hard.

He would hold me and the stress would leave.  I would melt into the comfort of His presence.

Oh, how I so wish that Jesus would meet me each and every day and say, “It is time.”  And, we would walk away together in His presence and peace to rest.  My mind, heart, and soul need a daily nap from the craziness of the world.  I so need more of Jesus near to me, with His presence surrounding me, and so much a part of me.

“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” (Numbers 6:24-26)

365 Days….

Some years are filled with many blessings.  Other years are filled with many challenges.  At the end of every year, I reflect.

What have I learned in this past year?  What would I have done differently?  What do I desire for my future?  Who am I?

Have I become a better person?  Have I overcome obstacles?  Have relationships been strengthened?  How is my relationship with Christ?

As I close out calendar year 2012, I am stuck in bewilderment as with many other years past.  What do I write in my family newsletter?  How do I document the year?  Where is my focus?

2012 was a difficult year.  Do I document the difficulty to only give glory to its presence, or do I ignore it as if living an unrealistic existence of which none could relate?  There are many things I would choose to remain in 2012 to not enter 2013, but as life would have it I do not have a choice with what follows me into the upcoming year.

What will the new year bring?  2013 sounds as an odd year.  My preference is for ‘even’ numbers seemingly as if the mere fact of an even number creates for a more positive grounding entering the year.  Who likes an odd number anyway?  Does anyone want to be the odd man out?  Or, even worse, the lonesome traveler of ‘party of 1’, yes, ‘it’s just me’?  These seem to not be enticing or even attractive to the ears as if to leave the mind asking, “Something is indeed wrong with this picture!!”

So, I sit with my computer screen before me this night with a rambling of thoughts of a writer left asking many questions and pondering deep thoughts.  And, with that, the main question, “Do I share the ponderings of my heart in writing for all to read?”

For the last couple months, I’ve questioned if I could write for 365 days.  I struggled with the thought to begin in November.  Then, the thought shifted to December.  And, now, the thought shifts to 2013…. 2013 an odd year to begin… a New Year to unfold…

365 days of writing…………… is it possible?  and, what would be written?  I suppose only time will tell……………..